‘Jake’ is lazy, fa­ther says

Los Angeles Times - - COMICS - Send ques­tions for Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@tri­bune.com.

Dear Amy: My daugh­ter is 32 years old and works long hours as a nurse at our lo­cal hos­pi­tal. She has done well by buy­ing her own house and car. I have been proud of her ac­com­plish­ments.

About four years ago she en­tered into a re­la­tion­ship with “Jake.” She be­came preg­nant a short time later, and Jake quit his job to move in with her. She has a son from a for­mer re­la­tion­ship who also lives with her.

Af­ter the birth of my grand­daugh­ter, I pre­sumed Jake would go back to work. To this day he is still un­em­ployed and not ac­tively seek­ing work. He spends his days play­ing video games and drink­ing beer. He of­ten leaves our grand­daugh­ter with his par­ents while my grand­son is in school. This gives him a lot of free time.

Jake has ex­pen­sive tastes and has no prob­lem spend­ing her money.

My daugh­ter reg­u­larly “bor­rows” money from me. She asks for small amounts, and I can af­ford it, and I never ask her to re­pay.

I would like to tell my daugh­ter how I feel about Jake. He is lazy and self­ish and ap­par­ently has no plans to change his life. How should I ap­proach this? Or should I ap­proach it at all?

En­abling Dad

Dear Dad: You are an im­por­tant part of her prob­lem in that you are fi­nan­cially sup­port­ing a fam­ily sys­tem that you ob­vi­ously dis­ap­prove of. She has in­volved you by ask­ing for money, but Jake is the per­son you should talk with about Jake. You don’t have to call him lazy and self­ish, but you could cer­tainly ask him what his plans are for em­ploy­ment.

Your daugh­ter might be so ex­hausted (or have such low self-es­teem) that she be­lieves this is the best she can do. You can be help­ful by giv­ing her a pre-paid gas card in­stead of cash; then at least you would know she could get to work. The en­vi­ron­ment you de­scribe does not sound like a healthy one for chil­dren to grow up in, and if you be­lieve this, you should tell her so.

Dear Amy: I am hav­ing some is­sues re­lat­ing to a child­hood friend of mine. She started dat­ing a man at the end of last year, and it has been mov­ing pretty fast.

We were very close be­fore they started dat­ing, spend­ing time to­gether with our kids ev­ery week­end. But since she has been with this man, our time to­gether has dwin­dled to noth­ing. The week­end of my birth­day last month she told me she was go­ing out of town with him and would make it up to me the fol­low­ing week­end, say­ing we would have a “girls’ night out.”

It’s been a month now, and that day has never come. I ex­plained to her that she made me feel unim­por­tant and pushed aside, but she con­tin­ued to tell me that her life is hec­tic right now.

Am I over­re­act­ing, or am I jeal­ous? I haven’t been re­spond­ing when she sends me mes­sages be­cause I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to throw a life­long friend­ship away. Please help!

Feel­ing Ne­glected

Dear Ne­glected: When a friend finds a life part­ner, all re­la­tion­ships change. It can be es­pe­cially chal­leng­ing on close friend­ships. You are right to tell your friend how you feel, but your next step should be to do what you can to try to get to know her part­ner. If they are a cou­ple now, you will have to ad­just your ex­pec­ta­tions and may have to loop him into your tight cir­cle.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.