She does, but he doesn’t

Los Angeles Times - - COMICS - Send ques­tions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@tri­bune.com.

Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for seven years now. He is an ex­cel­lent man, and I feel lucky to be with him.

That be­ing said, it is be­com­ing painful to con­tin­u­ously at­tend our friends’ wed­dings.

I know this is child­ish, but I feel re­sent­ment to­ward him be­cause I want to get mar­ried so badly (to him).

Ev­ery time we get in­vited to a wed­ding I feel sick. It’s al­ways, “When are you two get­ting mar­ried?” and I want to lash out at him. Ob­vi­ously I’m feel­ing in­se­cure — like I’m not good enough. I’ve talked and talked to him, and he claims that putting a ti­tle on our re­la­tion­ship isn’t im­por­tant — at least to him.

Should I throw away my life’s wish and not get mar­ried be­cause he doesn’t feel like it, or should I break up with him, be­cause if it hasn’t hap­pened by now I as­sume it never will.

I’m al­most 31, and I’m def­i­nitely NOT look­ing to be a 40-year-old bride.

Al­ways a Brides­maid

Dear Brides­maid: June is sup­posed to be all about com­mit­ted cou­ples say­ing “I do,” but from where I sit, wed­ding sea­son is also an emo­tional minefield planted with “I don’t” bombs.

Try­ing to get through it is a del­i­cate busi­ness, es­pe­cially when you have 14 dried-out brides­maids’ bou­quets in your bureau drawer, each of which holds an empty “prom­ise” that you will be next.

If go­ing to wed­dings fills you with dread, then imag­ine how your guy feels, know­ing how un­happy you are and how likely you are to ini­ti­ate “the talk” again?

You know that he doesn’t want to get mar­ried. Not want­ing to get mar­ried doesn’t make him a bad per­son. Want­ing to get mar­ried doesn’t make you a bad per­son ei­ther.

If you must get mar­ried, then you are go­ing to have to find another groom to groom. When you’re with the right per­son, this ques­tion can be­come sur­pris­ingly and seam­lessly easy.

Dear Amy: I have been work­ing at a new job for a few weeks. I am 21 and a stu­dent.

I have found my­self strongly at­tracted to a man at work. He is 51.

I get ner­vous around him, my heart beats faster and I get but­terf lies in my stom­ach. I try to spark con­ver­sa­tions with him when­ever I can. He is the first per­son I look for at the be­gin­ning of the day. I think about him both at work and out of work and can’t seem to get him off of my mind.

He is not mar­ried or in a re­la­tion­ship and has no chil­dren. I want to get closer to him, but I’m scared that he might not be in­ter­ested due to the age dif­fer­ence.

Help?

Dear Help?: Strange as it might seem, 21-year-olds are not uni­ver­sally com­pelling and at­trac­tive to mid­dleaged peo­ple. But re­gard­less of how he might re­act, do not pur­sue this.

This is the first of many re­la­tion­ship chal­lenges you will face in your pro­fes­sional life; these re­la­tion­ships are im­por­tant and also fraught with po­ten­tial neg­a­tive ram­i­fi­ca­tions — both per­sonal and pro­fes­sional.

It is ex­tremely com­mon to de­velop work­place crushes, and the bur­den on you now is to man­age yours. If he is your su­per­vi­sor or in a su­per­vi­sory po­si­tion, he should not be­come in­volved with you. You can freely pur­sue this re­la­tion­ship — from a dis­tance, but only once this par­tic­u­lar gig is over.

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