Hus­band bonds with man

Los Angeles Times - - COMICS - Send ques­tions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@tri­bune.com.

Dear Amy: My wife and I have not had a phys­i­cal re­la­tion­ship with one another in sev­eral years.

She seems to have com­pletely lost in­ter­est. That has re­sulted in a slow­down of our emo­tional bond.

We still en­joy do­ing lots of things to­gether, but there is no sex, no phys­i­cal dis­plays and not much emo­tional con­nec­tion, ei­ther.

Deal­ing with that has been tough for me ( we are in our early 60s).

I even­tu­ally made a longdis­tance con­nec­tion with another man who was fac­ing the same is­sues. My friend is mar­ried to another man.

He and I have de­vel­oped a close re­la­tion­ship that has be­come phys­i­cal as well as emo­tional and spir­i­tual.

We stay in touch via email, tex­ting and phone. When we are to­gether, it is not just the phys­i­cal part that we en­joy; it’s all the other things too.

In the past I have tried talk­ing to my wife about the phys­i­cal and emo­tional parts of our re­la­tion­ship that have with­ered, but she seems to have no in­ter­est at all in do­ing any­thing to change the sta­tus quo.

I’m in a quandary. I have come to rely on this other per­son out­side our mar­riage to meet some of my needs. And he feels the same way.

Do you have any sug­ges­tions for me?

Feel­ing Lonely

Dear Lonely: If your wife ap­proached you to­day and said her li­bido had awak­ened, would you want to be sex­u­ally in­ti­mate with her? That’s what I thought. Widely quoted re­search re­ports that 43% of women say they ex­pe­ri­ence some form of sex­ual dys­func­tion. Ideally part­ners would face this chal­lenge to­gether.

There is no lone­li­ness quite like the feel­ing of be­ing alone in your mar­riage. But you made your own choice to leave your mar­riage and seek pas­sion else­where.

You have some tough de­ci­sions ahead. You can­not work on your mar­riage if you are in­tensely bonded to another per­son. You should see a coun­selor as you nav­i­gate this life- chang­ing sit­u­a­tion. I hope you will choose to be hon­est with your wife so she can make an in­formed de­ci­sion about her fu­ture.

Dear Amy: I am a 43- yearold woman who has bat­tled her weight her en­tire life.

I have tried sev­eral di­ets and paid thou­sands of dol­lars in an ef­fort to lose weight. I likely have about 130 to 150 pounds to lose.

I have re­cently looked into bariatric surgery. I am a nurse and am aware of both the pros and cons. My hus­band ( of two years) is dead set against surgery. He is afraid I will die on the ta­ble.

I un­der­stand the psy­chol­ogy be­hind my ter­ri­ble eat­ing habits. Now I need to be healthy for my 9- year- old daugh­ter and my pa­tients.

I am a very in­de­pen­dent woman. I find it dif­fi­cult hav­ing to ask for an agree­ment from my hubby when the re­al­ity is it is my body and my money that will cover this.

What do you think?

Wanna Be Health­ier

Dear Wanna Be: You do not need your hus­band’s per­mis­sion for this surgery. Stop seek­ing it. In­stead, seek his sup­port as you make your own choice.

Your hus­band loves you just as you are. If suc­cess­ful, this surgery will re­sult in a big change in you, rep­re­sent­ing a huge un­known for your hus­band. Be brave as you move for­ward, and ask him also to be brave as you both face this change. But don’t wait for his per­mis­sion.

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