To intervene or MYOB

Dear Amy: A few months ago, I was told by “Carly,” an acquaintance, that my employee “Bernadette’s” family was killed in a horrific crime when she was young. Carly prefaced this story with, “I really shouldn’t tell you…,” to which I responded, “Then please don’t!” but Carly proceeded anyway.

Bernadette had already told me her parents died when she was young. I have known Carly for more than 10 years (though only to say “hi”), but I also know she is a blabbermouth.

I was appalled by this breach of privacy and decided not to say anything to Bernadette. Now I’m having second thoughts. If Carly was so quick to tell me, what’s to say she hasn’t told lots of people? I think I would want to know if someone was spreading my tragic history around.

Want to Do the Right Thing

Dear Want: I would not want to know if someone was spreading my tragic history around. I would assume that this broadcasting had already happened.

If “Carly” is the rumormonger you say she is, then she has already used her trumpet. I’m not sure what the utility is of notifying “Bernadette”; she knows about and owns what happened in her family. Bringing this up to her will only emphasize to her that she has been discussed. Surely she deserves to let this story lie quietly with you, unless she wants to bring it up herself.

When you are told what is essentially tragic gossip, you are not called upon to do anything, except to feel compassion for the subject of the gossip. You should not feel the need to broadcast to the person that you know their story or to tell anyone else.

The only person you need to speak with is “Carly.” And you should say, “I genuinely regret that you told me this highly personal story about one of my employees. It seems unkind to spread this story. I asked you to stop at the time, but now I wish I had been more forceful. I am very sorry you did that.”

Dear Amy: It seems that people are forgetting boundaries and manners. There seems to be a sense that their entitlement makes them believe they are allowed to confront a mother as she’s buying groceries via the Women, Infants, Children program. Or shame a person who, while they don’t appear to be disabled, still requires the use of a handicap tag and parking space.

Then there is “You really shouldn’t be eating that.”

What does one say to intervene in the least confrontational way possible? Or is the answer to mind your own business?

Want to Intervene

Dear Want: I agree. It is shocking how often people will weigh in with opinions on behavior that has no direct impact on them. A polite and kind person will challenge her assumptions before deciding to comment on someone’s behavior.

Rather than intervene with the aggressor, I think it could be more effective to offer support to the aggrieved.

Let’s say you are in line behind a person using her WIC card to buy groceries, which aren’t deemed “healthy” enough to someone else in line. The other person confronts the shopper in a rude way. Instead of confronting the aggressor, you touch the shopper’s arm and reassure her, saying, “I want you to know that not everybody stands in judgment.