Their father faded away
Dear Dear Amy: Amy: Please help me to understand why it seems so common that after a divorce, the parent with visitation will allow themselves to fade out of their children’s lives.
In early 2009 I left my husband after repeated attempts to help him through his drug addiction. Our daughters were 11 and 13 at the time. For the f irst two years, he kept up his visitation schedule. Despite having as much access to them as he wanted, he stuck to the schedule for the most part and then faded away.
I know so many stories of others in the same situation, whether it’s a father or the mother who steps out of their responsibilities. My girls are 18 and 20 now, and they have learned that in their father’s world, they don’t matter. It hurts them deeply.
Our girls are busy but they would love to get a call from their father and feel a sense of importance to him.
What are your thoughts as to why this happens so much?
At a Loss
Dear Loss: A typical visitation schedule of one evening a week and every other weekend means that it can be very challenging for the noncustodial parent to develop a consistent and close relationship with children, especially as they get older and have lots of competing interests.
Intimacy is built not only through special occasions, but sheer quantity time spent together performing the mundane tasks of life in a family — going to the supermarket and school events, preparing dinner and cleaning up afterward. It is very challenging to build up an intimate family life on a visitation schedule.
It is also best for children if the custodial parent does everything possible to assist the noncustodial parent in building a relationship. Obviously, your ex- husband has done a very poor job, and I’m sorry that your children long for a relationship they can’t have.
Dear Amy: Two weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. He said he didn’t love me like he used to. Right before he broke up with me we had this huge heart- to- heart about how we could both improve our relationship to make it stronger.
I was so excited because it was a new year and a good start for us. But he didn’t even give that a chance and broke up with me.
He took a break from me a year and a half ago but came back to me and said I was all he wanted.
I am devastated, and I want him back. About a week ago he contacted me, and we hung out.
He said he can’t promise me that we have a chance in the future because he doesn’t know what will happen and doesn’t want to lead me on.
Is there a good chance for us? Does he really not love me, or is he just lost?
L
Dear L: I’m going to tell you a tough truth: When someone breaks up with you repeatedly, then he will continue to break up with you.
He may not really know what he wants, but he is messing with you in the meantime.
Do NOT hang out with him. Do NOT let him do the “let’s be friends” thing.
You also need to think long and hard about how much you are letting him manipulate and yank you around. Please do not hand over all your power to him. Once it’s gone, it’s very hard to get it back.