Brother gets an eyeful

Dear Amy: My younger sister and I are young adults. We are extremely close, and have many mutual friends. She is educated, attractive, successful, single and often regarded as the type to take no nonsense from guys. I am sometimes regarded as the slightly overprotective older brother.

This past weekend we took a trip together, went out to bars and split a hotel room.

I allowed a mutual friend to stay with us, because he had been drinking. This friend is known for his exploits with women.

I fell asleep rather quickly, but awoke after a few minutes to them engaging in extremely animated intercourse.

I was paralyzed, but left the room as soon as I could. I spent the rest of the night/ morning on the street before texting my sister and telling her to have him leave immediately.

I feel regretful, betrayed and utterly disrespected by both of them. I’ve had words with my sister, and she has apologized, but none of it seems to help me process what I witnessed.

I’ve not yet said anything to my friend.

Am I overreacting? Traumatized

Dear Traumatized: You have every right to feel disrespected, and you were — extremely. Among other indignities, you were basically forced to spend much of the night on the street.

However, you should examine your feelings of betrayal. Is it because your sister couldn’t see through your friend’s reputation and hooked up with him? Or is it because she does know and doesn’t care?

Do you feel betrayed because your friend can be a player with other people’s sisters, but not yours?

These two are consenting adults. They have the right to engage sexually without you feeling involved — or betrayed. Their choice to have sex in front of you? I agree that this is extreme, traumatic and very disrespectful. Your sister has apologized. Now confront your friend.

Dear Amy: “Keeping My Name” thought it was sexist to be referred to as “Mrs. (husbands last name)” when she had kept her given name after marriage. I can understand that.

Although I did not keep my given name after marriage, I am offended when a sister-in-law addresses mail to us as “The (husband’s full name) Family.”

It sounds to me like the addressees are husband and children, with the omission being fully intended. Left Out

Dear Left Out: I have had a huge response to the letter from “Keeping My Name.” This shows how very important names are, and how sensitive people are if they are addressed by a name that isn’t theirs.

In the case of Keeping My Name, I pointed out that even though she never took her husband’s surname, she is, formally speaking, “Mrs. Husband’s Name,” i.e. “the wife of ” her husband. Yes, this is old-fashioned. According to a recent story in the New York Times, roughly 20% of women married in recent years have kept their names. But if relatively few women are keeping their surnames after marrying, why do some of these same women not want to be addressed as “Mrs. Husband’s Name”?

I assume in your case it is because if you’ve already surrendered your last name, you would like to hold onto your own first name. You should mention this to your sister-in-law.