The perils of social media

Dear Amy:

What do you think about friends and family who are nice to your face and yet post derogatory, indirect comments (usually via memes) making fun of vegetarians (which I am), stating how stupid liberals are (I am liberal), and more or less making statements they would never make to my face?

I usually ignore these comments, but it makes me question the character/sincerity of those who feel compelled to passive-aggressively sling mud.

Am I taking this too personally?

Confounded

Dear Confounded:

Do you ever post comments or memes poking fun at or otherwise deriding meat-eaters, frackin’ lovin’ gas guzzlers, narrow-minded Trump lovers, and the like? If not — good for you. If you never post any comment directed at your cultural and political opposites, and if you never post or share memes mocking politically conservative people, then you get to feel sensitive about this now.

I suspect, however, that you probably have passed along a posting, joke or comment. But when you do it, it’s called “humor.” When others do it, it is offensive.

The reason these politically opposite people are nice to your face is because they like you. The reason these same people post insensitive memes mocking vegetarians is because they have decided to forgive you for your supposed “flaws.” They’ve put you in a separate category from everyone else and think it’s fun or funny to mock strangers.

You can push back on the same platforms where you see these postings or (my vote) use a filter to “hide” these types of posts.

Dear Amy:

I have worked with “Jenny” for a little over two years. I have been distancing myself from her over the last few months because she was making racist comments and I do not agree with her politics.

I’ve tried to maintain a good working relationship, but it is obvious that our friendship has cooled. Jenny has, loudly, been discussing her wedding plans with a coworker, even making a point to say that she didn’t want gifts but preferred cash (she and her fiance have been together more than a decade).

The same coworker told me she thought Jenny wanted us to throw her a shower and probably wanted a cash gift.

The wedding is six months away, but I have little indication that any of us are actually invited to this wedding.

My initial thought was that you are probably not obligated to give someone a wedding gift if you are not invited to the wedding, but when Jenny and I were close, she helped organize a baby shower for me and gave several thoughtful gifts.

So if your coworker is getting married, are you obligated to throw a shower or give gifts, regardless of whether you are invited to the wedding? And also, if someone you are no longer close with did something nice for you before the falling out, is it just good manners to return the favor?

To Gift or Not to Gift

Dear to Gift:

If “Jenny” organized a workplace shower for you and has thoughtfully given you gifts over the past two years, then yes, it would be kind of you to mark her marriage by also giving her a gift.

It is not necessary to host a wedding shower for her.