Bridal shower brouhaha

Dear Amy: I am a groom-to-be. My fianceé and I grew up eight hours away from each other. My mother and my fianceé are close. Several months ago, my mom planned a bridal shower in my hometown. My fianceé’s family was annoyed, upset and somewhat hostile about this, thinking that my mother was trying to usurp their role.

My mother had assumed that they would also host a bridal shower in their hometown.

They said they have never heard of someone having more than one bridal shower. They were quite vocal with me about it.

My future in-laws have not yet met my mother, who is one of the kindest, most polite people you could ever meet. This was quite hurtful to me.

After planning their own shower, my fianceé’s family has now decided not to have it. They have basically invited themselves to the one my mother is hosting.

This makes things super-awkward, because we don’t have room for them at the venue. We already had to trim the list to fit.

Did my mother violate etiquette by planning a shower? Is there a polite way to tell my fianceé’s family (mother and two sisters) that there is no space for them? Frustrated Groom

Dear Groom: The most appropriate people to throw bridal showers are not mothers or mothers-in-law, but bridesmaids, or friends of the couple who live in the town where the couple resides.

This current dust-up illustrates one good reason behind this recommendation. But, yes, it is fine to have two parties in two different towns.

Yes, your family must find space for these three women at your hometown shower.

You and your fianceé need to work hard, and as a team, to establish that you expect people to behave and to respect your various family relationships.

Dear Amy: I have a friend of almost 30 years, who has really hurt me.

It started when her Facebook comments started revealing the dirt in her marriage. Then her husband made a very public posting on Facebook to acknowledge his wife’s accusations and to say he loved her. I made a supportive comment to his post. He has since deleted his page.

Later, I texted my friend and asked her how they were doing. When months passed with no response to my texts, I got worried so I called a relative of hers to find out if she had been heard from.

She replied that I was not to contact her family and that the comment I left on her husband’s Facebook page was misinterpreted by her friends, and they questioned whether I was the person he was sleeping with!

I am furious. She has decided I’m sleeping with her husband because I wrote something supportive to him? Am I in the wrong? Furious

Dear Furious: You are not in the wrong, but consider this a very useful lesson: Never, ever violate your own marital and friendship neutrality on Facebook. If you’re wondering, the way to express your neutrality on social media is by being silent.

I have a blanket policy never to respond publicly when someone exposes their marital or relationship troubles on social media. No good can come of it.

Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com.