Can’t shake resentments
Dear Amy:
I am a 50-yearold woman, married, with two grown kids.
My mother died five years ago. After marrying my dad, she had four kids in about four years (I’m the eldest). She had no other family here in America, and my father worked seven days a week to support his family, so he was gone a lot. I know it wasn’t easy for her.
She wasn’t very affectionate. She really didn’t hug or kiss us, or tell us she loved us. I wasn’t supervised very much. There was a period when I was 6 to 8 years old where I think, looking back, she must have been depressed. She had several family members die within a three- to four-year period.
Sometimes I would go to school without brushing my hair or my teeth, and wear the same clothes for several days. I acted out at school, I think for attention, because I really wasn’t getting much at home.
I probably remember more than my siblings, being the eldest.
I never discussed this with my mom when she was alive. I haven’t told my dad, who is old and remembers everything through rose-colored glasses, any of this because I don’t see the point now.
How can I get rid of the resentment, regret and sadness I feel about my childhood?
It seems to have gotten worse since my mom died. Resentful
Dear Resentful:
My first recommendation is that you chronicle your own story. Simply write down what you remember, and how you remember it. As you do this, you will write your way closer to the feelings and reactions of the girl you once were.
As an adult, with an adult’s perspective, you will weep for that girl. You will feel sorry for the child that didn’t get what she needed at home.
You will go through a period of anger at your mother. But then, I hope that your writing will also bring you closer to the woman your mother was — a woman with four young children, alone in a country with no family to rely on, and a hard-working but absent husband. Her life must have been very hard.
Also think about your passage as an adult. If your mothering was gentler and more attentive than your mother’s was, then you are a shining success.
If you suspect you are depressed, talk with a therapist.
Dear Amy:
My half sister has been posting inflammatory and nonfactual information on Facebook about her adoptive family. Really far-fetched and outlandish nonsense. She is a known pathological liar, and this is starting to anger our family (and others).
I could provide many examples of her ugly lies and stories, but they are personal accusations toward family members.
I have stopped seeing her, and we are only maintaining minimal email and Facebook contact.
What should I say, if anything? Furious Sister
Dear Furious:
If you don’t want to “unfriend” this family member altogether, then you should at least “hide” her posts so that you don’t have to see what she writes.
One advantage of her reputation as a “pathological liar” is that people don’t believe her.
If she writes something defamatory about you specifically, you will find out about it soon enough — through others. Then you can deal with her directly, or through a lawyer.