Daughter-in-law is abusive
Our son married a girl who is emotionally abusive. She has one child from a previous relationship, and they now have a child together.
We try to keep a relationship going with them and with both grandchildren.
She constantly threatens our son with divorce. She shows no restraint when it comes to yelling at him and the kids in front of us.
She has cut us off several times for things she perceived that we have no recollection of happening. We end up apologizing, just so we can have a relationship, even though her accusation is unfounded.
Do you have any advice on how to keep the relationship with her going, so that she doesn’t punish us by withdrawing our grandchildren?
Dear Sad: By your account, your son is being isolated and controlled by his abusive wife. She also controls you, using contact with your grandchildren as a way to keep you in line. Understand that if she wants to exert power over you, she will remove access to them, no matter what you do.
You cannot make your son’s choices for him, but you can refuse to be controlled.
Don’t let your daughterin-law use the kids as a weapon. This means that you will need to face the possibility of not seeing them for a time.
If she berates your son or her children in your presence, say to her, “Stop it, please.” Confront her and say, “We’re not going to stay here and witness this. We’re leaving.”
If she refuses to let you see the children, maintain a neutral attitude: “That’s too bad; we’re sorry to hear that. If you change your mind or ever need a hand, let us know. We’re always available.”
Privately, you should tell your son that he is in an abusive marriage and that you hope he will exit (with his child). Offer him tons of support, encouragement and practical help to leave when he is ready, but accept that he may choose to stay.
Dear Amy: I have been at my job for 10 years. I work in shipping, and I don’t see any way that I can move up the corporate ladder at the company I’m in.
I have been thinking of just leaving and moving to another state. I think things might be better if I start anew with my wife and two children.
I am computer-literate, with an associate degree. I don’t want to continue in shipping anymore, but I don’t receive job offers outside of shipping because of my experience.
Should I quit and move on?
Dear Anonymous: I don’t think it’s wise for you to quit your job and move, unless you have substantial savings or support in your new location. Your long-standing work experience might dictate your job prospects wherever you are living. Moving would also have a significant impact on your family.
Try to shift directions through further education. Keep up your computer skills, and take classes related to your area of interest. Also develop your networking skills, online through sites like Linkedin.com, and in person through community connections.
Send questions for Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson.com or by mail to Tribune Content Agency, 16650 Westgrove Drive, Suite 175, Addison, TX 75001.