‘Mommy’ is keeping score

Dear Amy: I have a handful of mommy friends that have come into my life within the last few years.

I have one 3-year-old son. We are invited to many birthday parties.

I had a birthday party for my son last month.

One mom and her son were sick so they could not attend.

Last week they came over for a play date at our house. I thought she would bring a belated card and gift, but she did not. But then, she invited us to her son’s birthday at the end of the month.

Do we bring a gift? Discuss exchanging gifts? My hubby says people just don’t talk about this kind of stuff. I don’t want to hurt or offend her, but I also don’t want to end up feeling used.

Also, we have many friends that have two or more kids. How do we celebrate all of their birthdays without feeling that we are expending much more money on them than they do for us?

I already do nice little extras for my friends. I put together Valentine treat bags for my mommy friends as a surprise and delivered them at a mommy night out. I just want to feel my kindness will be reciprocated. Wondering Mommy

Dear Mommy: First this: As long as you refer to yourself and your friends as “Mommies,” you will stay stuck in this juvenile place where grown women don’t have first names, and where you and your friends primarily relate to each other based on your role playing second fiddle to 3-year-olds. Please, grow up! No, a child who wasn’t at your son’s birthday party should not have to follow up by giving a gift later, unless this is a close and special relationship.

Yes, if you attend a child’s birthday party, you should bring a gift for the child.

If you are invited to multiple parties over the course of the year for siblings in one family and you don’t want to give gifts to them, you should attend the party for the child closest to your son and skip the other gatherings.

Of course your kindness will be reciprocated by your friends. If it is not, then you should dial down your generosity. Also, rethink the difference between a Mommy and a friend.

Quit keeping score. I assure you, life has a way of evening things out.

Dear Amy: The other day I was texting my girlfriend while shopping for presents for my sister’s birthday party. My girlfriend asked if it would be OK for her brother to come to the family party (we both have siblings in grade school that are around the same age).

I told her that my parents were throwing the party, not me, and that the decision on who can or can’t come to the party is not mine to make.

She took offense. Later that day, we had a spat over this. I repeatedly told her that as a guest I can’t decide if someone can or can’t come.

My girlfriend insisted that she was just trying to “unite our families” by bringing her brother to the event. After she brought it up multiple times, we agreed to disagree.

Did I do something wrong? Confused Boyfriend

Dear Confused: I fail to see how including her grade school-age brother in this party would unite your families. Your girlfriend seems to have wanted you to take this request to your parents. You declined. That should have been the end of it.