Who should stay home?

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for six years. I am 32; he is 37. We were going to start trying to have a baby this year, but we can’t agree on child care.

Before we got married, we agreed that we would want our child to be cared for by a family member or by one of us. We have no family nearby, are uncomfortable with leaving a baby with a stranger, and astounded at the cost of day care.

I always let my husband know that I wanted one of us to stay at home at least during infancy, if our budgets would allow. He agreed that this made sense and would be better for the children.

I don’t think he anticipated I would become the breadwinner. I now earn well over twice what he makes.

I think it makes sense for him to take a break from his job and care for the children, since the cost of child care would absorb his salary.

I would have more to lose when it’s time to reenter the workforce. My husband, on the other hand, could find the same job anytime.

My husband says that he would not enjoy taking care of children 24/7 and would feel unfulfilled. I understand these concerns, but I’ve suggested several options, such as me working 10-hour days so that I work only four days a week, giving him Fridays free. Or I could start work extra early and come home early. He didn’t like these suggestions, either.

I don’t feel comfortable trying to have babies without having resolved this issue. Unsure

Dear Unsure: It would be great if you could see into the future and anticipate not only all of the variables but also how you will feel about them, but families are not built from tidy blueprints but by one arrangement at a time.

Keep in mind that the whole process — the trying to get pregnant and the pregnancy — takes almost a year (as a best-case scenario). And during that year, you will both change in ways that you can’t anticipate.

You really shouldn’t make decisions like “We won’t leave our baby with a stranger” until you have a baby and learn that, once you meet great caregivers, they cease being strangers but become valuable partners. If you become pregnant, you and your husband will meet other expectant parents who will influence you and point you toward ideas and resources.

You seem to have a great career, and I hope your company gives you ample parental leave time.

It is extremely important that both parents feel that the work they’re doing is fulfilling. If your husband ends up not wanting to be a stayat-home parent, and if his lower salary would pay for quality child care, then it’s not up to you to dictate his choices regarding his work. Mainly, you should both determine to stay flexible.

Dear Amy: I was alarmed at your response to “K,” whose husband had betrayed and left her. You questioned her taking antidepressants. You shouldn’t do that. Alarmed Reader

Dear Alarmed: Other readers were alarmed when I suggested that “K” should “rethink” her use of an antidepressant, and although I wrote, “Are you depressed? If so, definitely take medication” I agree this is not a suggestion for an advice-giver to make but for an individual working with her doctor to make. Thank you.