Splitting costs has its costs

Dear Amy: I am on my second marriage. I am trying hard to stay “connected” because I felt disconnected in my last marriage.

I moved almost 100 miles away from my family and into his world. This is fine, but sometimes I feel alone.

My husband and I decided to keep our finances separate. We split everything. When we’re at the store, he pays half and I pay half, vacation trips are split — also phones, utilities and insurance.

I also give him “rent” for living in the house, because he makes the house payment.

About a year after we got married, he inherited his father’s estate. He put some money into a savings account, and it was just sitting there, so I told him to invest it, and he did.

This money has grown pretty good interest in the last four years, and we decided to do some repairs on our home, so he took the funds out of the interest income and used it for the repair.

Amy, he then asked me when I was going to pay him back my half of the cost of the remodel! I was floored! This was money he wouldn’t have had if I didn’t suggest that he invest it.

Is it wrong for me to feel like we are more roommates than a married couple? I don’t think we’re very “connected,” do you?

We’ve talked about consolidating our bank accounts, but I get scared that he’ll be controlling my money that I work hard for, like he controls everything else.

Are my feelings wrong? Worried

Dear Worried: If your husband “controls everything” in your life, then pay attention to this red flag; it might be wisest not to be with him.

You two also seem to suffer from an overall simple lack of generosity toward each other.

One way to feel “connected” is to work together as a couple to make major financial decisions. I like the idea of couples pooling some of their income into a household account and for both parties to agree on mutual expenses and bill paying. Then each party can also have their own money for their personal use.

However, your husband’s inheritance is his alone to spend. Your suggestion that he invest it seems to have been a wise one, but he needn’t compensate you for following your good advice.

Unless your name is on the title, he also owns the house, although you may have some ownership claim because you have been helping to pay the mortgage.

If he expects you to pay for half of this remodel, then your name should be put on the title of the house. Coowning this home would help you to feel (and be) more connected.

You two should meet with a mediator and financial adviser to work on ways to share your assets, without either party controlling the other. Also, do some research on your marital property rights in your state.

Dear Amy: You asked for suggestions from readers for how “K” might heal after her husband left her. This happened to me too. I also lost friendships in the process.

Going to Meet Up gatherings (meetup.com) has been helpful. I joined groups doing things that “I” liked to do (hiking, dancing, kayaking, wine-tasting, etc.). This allowed me to meet friends of all kinds based on shared interests rather than the social groupings of my past. Feeling Better