Family excludes his kids

Dear Amy: I am the father of two wonderful children.

My son is now 28 and in a relationship with a man who makes him happy. My daughter is 26 and in a relationship with a guy of a different race who also makes her happy. Their mother and I raised each of our children to love and not to worry about the opinions of others but to strive to be happy.

Here lies my issue: My home is in Mississippi, and I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. Both of their relationships have made it hard on their mother and me to attend family get-togethers, because our families have made it clear that our kids’ significant others are not welcome at family gatherings. We are of the opinion that if our kids are not welcome then we will uninvite ourselves as well.

We have always instilled in our children that love is their No. 1 priority and that love may be hard at times. However, I never dreamed that this hardness would come from family members.

Because of this bigotry, my children do not want to attend family dinners and holidays without their loves and have decided to live elsewhere.

My wife and I love our families very much but love our children more.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and so are we.

How do I approach family members and talk about this subject?

I do not want to put anyone in an awkward situation, especially my children or their significant others. I want to know the truth behind this exclusion.

Should we attend these family gatherings without our children, or should we have our own celebrations? Holding Onto Tradition

Dear Holding: I suggest that, rather than running away from the “awkwardness,” you should more or less embrace it. You and your children are not the cause of this awkwardness, and so you can — in a straightforward way — simply ask your extended family members to describe their reasoning.

It might look like this: There is a large family gathering approaching. You and your wife are notified. You respond, “Great! I’ll let James and John know as well as Cathleen and Luke.” If your family member has the gall to respond that these partners are going to be excluded, you can simply ask, “Why is that?”

They will be forced to explain their reasoning, during which time you should remain quiet until it sputters to a stop.

If they expose their bigotry, you can say, “Well, obviously — if our children and their partners are excluded, then we will have to also stay home. I hope that in time you will open your mind and be more hospitable.”

You can hope that your children’s partners have families that are more inclusive than yours is, and that these families will choose to enfold you within their clans.

Dear Amy: “K” asked for suggestions on how to heal after her husband left her for her friend. I went through something similar, and I eventually found solace in doing new things, in different places, with people around who didn’t know me and my unpleasant backstory. It gave me a lens through which to see, understand, and direct the new person I was evolving into after a sudden and massive life change. Been There