He’s heard family stories

Dear Amy: I have become the person in my family who holds family secrets.

I am the last of my immediate family, but I have half siblings from my father’s second marriage.

Family folklore (which I haven’t been able to verify) is that our dad fathered a child with a high school sweetheart and that the child was put up for adoption. This child would be close to 80 years old now.

I’ve also become aware that prior to meeting my father, my stepmother got pregnant by a married man, was sent out of town to have the child and then also placed the baby up for adoption.

So, I have another half sibling, and my three half siblings have two half siblings. My siblings don’t know about either of these stories. I have tried to find my half sibling and have come up short, and have found nothing about my stepmom’s situation. Her sister is still living.

I don’t know what can be gained from telling them these stories. I also don’t know how or why I know all this and they don’t.

Is it worth telling them while they still have time to possibly find their sibling, even though I haven’t been able to find mine/ours? Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: The two stories you relate fall into the hearsay/rumor category. In fact, since both stories are so similar (a person has a baby out of wedlock and places the baby up for adoption), it’s possible that the two stories are, in fact, one story that has been jumbled or conflated over time.

Unless you have actual evidence that either story is true — or even corroboration of the story from another living family member — you shouldn’t repeat it.

You and your siblings should spend as much time as possible with your aunt (your stepmother’s sister), who may fill in some of the gaps of the family history. You could ask her privately about these rumors to see if she has any insight. But do not assume they are true.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 27 years. He is the only child to his single mother.

From the time we started dating, she has made it clear that he was her “best friend and bone of her bone.” She has tried to like me, but because I am his wife, she can’t. My husband takes care of me very well, and she wants the same attention for herself.

For example, he gave me a surprise 50th birthday party, and she wanted him to give her a surprise 80th. She has been nasty to (and about) me during the entirety of our marriage.

He is having a hard time now because of her age. He feels bad that I won’t invite her to join us on vacation. I will not compromise on this, because she requires too much attention from him and ruins every trip. She has been this way for 27 years.

What can I say to him to help him not feel guilty about his mother and to realize I will no longer put up with his mom’s open jealousy toward me? Not Gonna Do It!

Dear Not: You could generously encourage your husband to take his mother on a short vacation with just the two of them.

This suggestion should come from a generous place, not to test or punish him for enduring this challenging relationship. It will also relieve you from witnessing the dynamic you resent so much.

Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy@amydickinson.com.