Settling for the leftovers

Dear Amy: I’m a 20-yearold girl. I started working at a restaurant and clicked with “Steve,” one of the other servers. He’s 30.

We quickly started texting daily. He said he had a girlfriend, so I figured we were just sharing friendly chitchat. He was always complaining about how annoying and stupid she was.

Fast-forward a year and his girlfriend cheats on him, so he comes to me looking for help. I was a sophomore in college at the time and had no idea how to handle the situation, but I was there for him.

He was devastated and determined to win her over. Eventually she came crawling back to him. He proposed.

I pretended to be happy for him, even though I thought this was the stupidest decision ever. He still continued to complain nonstop about her.

A few months after they got engaged, we had a party at my apartment. Heavy drinking was involved, and somehow Steve ended up in my bed. He left the next morning before we could talk. After a few days of silence, I said to him, “You cheated on your fiancée with me, and you don’t think that’s a problem?” He was like, “Don’t make me feel guilty.”

I cracked and told him that he shouldn’t be getting married and that he was settling for her. I sort of feel like an idiot for falling in love with him. I don’t want to lose him as a friend because I’ve never had someone understand me as completely as he does.

I just need some advice on what to do. Not Settled

Dear Not Settled: Yes, “settling” is happening. But you are the primary settler. You’ve packed your covered wagon and have traveled into the realm of 30-year-old waiters with no conscience -in order to settle. Please, save your feelings of love for someone who isn’t such a tool.

Steve does not deserve you. His fiancée is likely a perfect match for him. You can do better, and you will do better. By the time you’re “Steve’s” age, you will remember this episode with a sigh.

I recommend a cordial coolness during your restaurant shifts.

Dear Amy: My last two relationships have totally done me in. I am through with dating. After a very long marriage that ended in divorce, I engaged in a relationship that lasted for 17 years.

After we split (he, too, cheated on me), I spent the next eight years in single bliss.

I truly do enjoy my singleness, but sometimes I feel I would still like to have a companion in my life to grow old with. How do I overcome my distrust and general wariness of men? Burned

Dear Burned: Overcoming your distrust in men is a process. Anxiety about growing old alone doesn’t provide an ideal motivation for trust-building.

I’d like to address your growing-old-with-a-companion issue. Why not grow old with a woman/friend/ companion? Perhaps you have a compatible friend who is at your approximate stage of life, who would like to try an experiment in cohousing. Having a housemate to share expenses and experiences with might be the perfect non-romance busting solution for you.

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