She needs Mom’s apology

Dear Amy: When I was 31, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started having symptoms when I was 11. It took me years to seek help.

I told my mom a few times that I thought that I had the illness. I was hoping she would help me seek treatment, since I was so afraid of the stigma, but also after having an acute episode I would feel better and convince myself that nothing was wrong.

Every time, my mother told me that she didn’t think anything was wrong with me, even when I confessed I was contemplating suicide.

Finally, I sought help on my own. Medication and therapy has helped me tremendously, and my mom has been supportive now that she has witnessed one of my manic episodes and realized that I really do need help.

I still harbor resentment toward her for not encouraging me to seek treatment earlier. I realize that I am an adult and ultimately responsible for myself.

I want to forgive her, but I want her to apologize.

Am I wrong for wanting that? I bring up my illness with her more often than I should in the hopes that it will spur remorse. I want recognition that I had to struggle with this, while she denied anything was wrong. Waiting for Sorry

Dear Waiting: I can think of several reasons why she didn’t seek help for you earlier, including ignorance, denial, stigma, or flat-out fear. All of these reasons will seem like excuses at this point, however, and now you are owed an acknowledgment and apology.

Rather than bringing up your illness and being continually disappointed, I hope you will ask your mother for what you want: “Mom, it would help me a lot if you would explain to me why you didn’t help me seek treatment earlier. I need an acknowledgment.”

If you don’t get what you seek, you will have to do the hard work of accepting your mother, despite her own failings. Forgiveness should follow.

Dear Amy: My husband passed away last fall. Because grandchildren were in college, we buried him just after Christmas.

Our daughter and her husband came from Texas. Other siblings brought their families from other parts of the country.

This summer we had a memorial brunch and celebration of their father’s life. Our Texas daughter refused to come to this event because she was working 60 to 70 hours a week at a new job.

I wrote her a letter saying she owed it to the family to appear. She says I’m not being compassionate toward her for expecting this.

It has now been almost three months that she has not answered my phone calls or emails. Grieving

Dear Grieving: I’m sorry for this loss to your family. I assume that your daughter is grieving too. Many people don’t respond well when someone issues a basic demand that they “owe” it to others to appear.

You don’t say why you didn’t hold a life celebration when the entire family was gathered at Christmastime, but I wonder if there are reasons your daughter feels you accommodated others but not her.

It is vital after a death in the family that everyone should do their best to be gentle with one another. Gentleness from you should inspire the same from her.