Dad abuses son’s kindness

Dear Amy: I’ve been dating a wonderful man, “Don,” for a year.

I am worried that Don is being used by his father, “Don Sr.”

Don Sr. moved in with him three years ago. Don has not only paid for everything, including his father’s bills, but he has also bought four cars for his father, and his father has put these cars into derbies.

This year Don Sr. put his only car into the derby, again. After a few fights, everything seemed OK.

Now he needs another vehicle; otherwise, he won’t be able to drive to work.

He hasn’t even started to look for a vehicle. He is so content with Don handing him everything. He said he doesn’t care if he gets his own car, because he can just drive one of Don’s.

I’m tired of him being used like this. I don’t want to fight with Don about his father, but what can I do to help? Out of Place

Dear Out of Place: Understand with clarity that this father/son relationship is its own contained system. Things would change if Don Jr. wanted them to change. But the father is a user, and the son is an enabler. The son is actually training his father to be completely reliant on him.

The way out for you is to adopt total detachment. I’m going to provide two phrases which will help you:

“That’s too bad” and “You’ll figure it out.”

Don Jr. says, “Dad won’t look for a new car!” You say, “That’s too bad.”

Don Jr. says, “My father is using me!” You say, “You’ll figure it out.” That is the extent of your commentary or involvement.

If you simply refuse to get wound up about this, this father-son relationship will either continue as it is, or the son will finally set limits. Either way, you will gradually stop caring.

Dear Amy: I came to the U.S. almost 20 years ago. I have a niece who lives on the opposite coast — a six-hour flight from where I live. I am her only relative in the U.S.

Last year, she married a nice guy at the courthouse. My sister and husband came to the ceremony from overseas. We were informed and invited two days before our annual overseas vacation. We could not go to the wedding.

This year, my niece had a reception. Again, my sister informed and invited us less than a week before the reception and right before we went on vacation. This vacation, like the one last year, was planned months in advance. Both my husband and I work, so we had to request leave, buy air tickets, etc.

We were not given a good or clear reason of why we were not invited to these events in a timely way so that we could attend.

Should I reach out to my sister, her family and my niece about this?

I don’t think I will have a clear answer from them about why we were excluded from the wedding. Upset Auntie

Dear Upset: If you don’t believe you will be offered a clear or honest answer, then don’t ask the question.

You should send an email to all parties, saying, “We are very upset that we have missed these very special events, but because we haven’t been informed in time to arrange travel, we’ve missed the opportunity to be with you. In the future, we hope you will give us more notice.”