Fiancee’s mom is cautious
I’m engaged to be married soon.
My fiancee bought a house last year, with a sizable down payment provided by her mother.
A few weeks ago, my future mother-in-law expressed the sentiment that we should wait to put my name on the deed of the house “to see how the marriage works out.”
I understand that she wants to protect her investment, but we have decided to combine all of our finances to show unity as well as making house-related issues easier for me to handle.
My future mother-in-law is fun and generous, and I value her advice, but I could go without directives and intrusiveness.
How do I approach this sensitive subject? Confused in California
Dear Confused: I agree with your choice to combine finances, and it sounds as if your future mother-in-law does too.
You could handle this house situation by drawing up a prenuptial (or postnuptial) agreement where you and your future wife agree to repay her mother in full if/ when you sell the house. If you and your wife are both on the deed, you might agree to forgo your own individual share of the value of the down payment if you and she divorce. Work out this agreement with a lawyer’s help.
Your future mother-inlaw might actually be a great asset to you, if you can listen and learn from her without feeling stomped on. If you don’t want her involved in your finances, do not accept money from her — and pay her back for this down payment as soon as possible.
Like every partnering couple, you and your wife are going to have to work hard to reconfigure your family structure. You two should be inside your (virtual) “house,” with your parents, siblings and others just outside the door. To be let in, they must wait to be invited.
Your future mother-inlaw poisoned the well somewhat by openly expressing her lack of faith in the staying power of your marriage. Your most positive response would be to prove her wrong.
Dear Amy: How do I tell my young-adult children that their father and I are divorcing after 43 years of marriage? One of them will be getting married next year, which makes this harder for me.
This is their father’s doing and decision. I’m not sure I can present a united front. Emotionally Overloaded
Dear Overloaded: Fortythree years is a lifetime to be with someone. Shock is going to be your early reaction to this news, and so my first counsel is for you to give yourself additional time (two weeks or longer) to walk around inside your new reality before disclosing it to your kids.
There is little reason for you and your husband to present a “united front” to your adult children. You should make a commitment to feel your own feelings. This can actually be challenging for devoted spouses and parents like you. A confidant, friend, sibling or professional counselor can help.
When you decide to tell your children, it’s OK to say, “I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m confused and upset. This wasn’t my choice.”
You should reassure the child getting married that you and their father will keep the focus on their marriage, not yours, on their big day.