Healing her wounded soul
Dear Amy: I had a bad childhood, where I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. She was a single mother of four, and I am the oldest.
I am now responsible for my aged mother’s care and finances.
I find myself resentful and holding grudges from more than 40 years ago that interfere with my ability to be a loving daughter rather than merely a responsible daughter.
Can you recommend a book that would help put things in perspective? I feel like I need to see that my adult life really isn’t dependent on my childhood.
Dear Tired: My first recommendation will help you see that you are not alone. You are part of a sisterhood, but you might not realize it. Read Susan Forward’s “Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters,” written with co-author Donna Frazier Glynn (2013, Harper Collins).
My next recommendation is intended to inspire you to feel your authentic feelings, love yourself and perhaps find your way to understanding and acceptance, if not forgiveness.
You could start with literally any of Pema Chodron’s meditations, lectures, lessons or books, but this one might be best for you now: “The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times,” (2001, Shambhala).
Take heart. You are doing the heavy lifting of life, and your frequent exposure to your mother at this stage will understandably plunge you back into that tender state when you were a vulnerable child to an abusive mother.
Dear Amy: My husband and I rent out our second bedroom to my husband’s younger, 30-year-old cousin, “Bradley.” He is a generally nice guy, but he is seriously immature and financially irresponsible.
He started off with a wellpaying job where he could easily pay his expenses, but he did not like the job, so he quit.
He has a new job now, but it is at much lower pay and he cannot afford anything. We’ve allowed him to delay paying rent for a few months until his finances are back on track, so he lives for free. He bums food off of anyone he can. If not us, then he goes and asks his friends or neighbors to buy him dinner.
He seems fine with this and has no interest in looking for better work or a new job.
He was a moocher before, but now it is out of control. We cannot afford to financially support him the way we do.
My husband has agreed to kick him out in a few months, if he can’t get it together. As much as “Bradley” annoys me, I would feel guilty kicking him out because he has nowhere else to go. What should we do?
Dear Worried: You really can’t blame “Bradley” for his behavior, because — it works! Look, he started out paying his way, and now he has you supporting him. He might be a sharper tool than any of you realize.
You and your husband need to develop a backbone and realize that your enabling is not helping. In fact, Bradley has taken a serious backslide since coming to live with you and is now less functional than before.
Firm boundaries, realistic and real-world consequences and loving detachment are called for.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@ amy dickinson .com.