Not just in-law problems

Dear Amy: My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years.

I have always had a rough relationship with my future in-laws, but this came to a head when my fiancé’s mother took him to lunch in order to tell him that she thought he was better off without me.

She said I was controlling, told him how much his sister dislikes me and how she feels I am taking him from his family. When my fiancé told me what his mother said, I was heartbroken.

I don’t understand why they think I am controlling, but I don’t know how to change their perception of me. His family should not be involved in our decisionmaking for our lives, just as my family should not be.

His sister continues to ostracize me from the family, and since she is close to his mother, I feel as if she is inf luencing the family’s perceptions about me. She has been very rude to me.

Our wedding is in a few months. I am unsure of how to move on from this. In-Law Trouble

Dear Trouble: I realize that you have in-law trouble, but you don’t seem to realize that you also have fiancé trouble.

His mother thinks he would be better off without you. She mentioned that you are not liked by various members of his family. What, pray tell, was his motivation in repeating this to you?

What is achieved by you knowing this? Other than running home and telling you about this trashing, how did he react toward his mother in the moment? Is he using her low estimation of you as a way to communicate his own feelings or concerns about you?

These are questions you should ask him.

Many people replay a version of birth family dynamics in our own marriages. Understand that unless your fiancé establishes his own autonomy, this dynamic won’t change.

You should do some soulsearching and — if there is room for improvement in your own behavior — you should figure out how to behave in a way that is both neutral and respectful. In short, you should demonstrate the sort of behavior you would like to see from his family members.

You may think that because you have been together for a decade, you don’t need premarital relationship counseling, but you do — desperately.

Dear Amy: Years ago my uncle sexually assaulted his three girls. He got away with it by leaving the country while on bail.

Several years ago, he returned, and now thinks we should all “get over it.”

He is insisting on a visit with me to “catch up.” He’s always been a clever bully and won’t take NO for an answer, despite me putting him off for years.

I’m worried he will just show up here. What should I do? Worried

Dear Worried: I’m taking at face value all of your assertions about your uncle. If he contacts you to threaten a visit, you should tell him, quite plainly, “I don’t want to have any contact with you. You are not welcome in my home or on my property. I want you to know that if you choose to show up, I will call the police. It’s that simple. Do you understand? Good.”

If it would ease your mind to enact a “no-contact order,” visit your local courthouse and ask the clerk to walk you through the steps.