Dividing up the holidays

Dear Amy: Our son and his girlfriend are approaching engagement. They live in the same city we live in.

The subject came up as to allocating holidays between their respective families. My husband and I are still together after 35 years. Her parents are divorced. Her mother lives within driving distance of us, and her father lives on the opposite coast.

We have always felt that the holidays should be allocated 50-50; every other year to his parents and half to her parents and that she and they would need to decide how to allocate her half.

Unfortunately, she sees it differently.

We don’t want this to cause any sort of a rift between us and her, or our future in-laws, but we don’t exactly know how to handle it without just giving in. Giving in would leave us feeling as though we’re being punished for staying married (which at times we had to do the HARD WORK to accomplish).

Is there any kind of normal expectation in today’s divorce-rich society? We’d really like to know what is considered reasonable in this situation. Devoted and Caring Parents

Dear Devoted: You wonder if “giving in” to this young person’s reality would mean that you are being punished for putting in the hard work of staying together. I wonder if you have a clue or could even imagine how this sentiment sounds to the child of divorced parents or to divorced people themselves.

This young woman’s parents’ divorce is not her fault or responsibility, but she has needs, and she is going to have to fulfill them, regardless of what you think.

If her mother lives within driving distance, perhaps you could invite her to join you during “your” years — and you could start a new tradition with new family members. But then, of course, you would have to welcome a divorced woman into your home, and share these young people with her.

The best gift you could give to this young person would be to let her do what she needs to do over the holidays, without comment or complaint, or even a pained look on your face.

Life does not evenly distribute its hardship and joys, so stop keeping score.

Dear Amy: After eight years as a divorced father, I found a wonderful partner who has moved in with me.

It has been great! We are engaged and will get married in a few months.

I also have a 16-year-old daughter, “Emma,” who decided to move in with us full time after a few dust-ups with her mother.

It is great that she is here, and she is happier now. But now, with the excitement of a relatively new relationship, my gal and I are having a hard time finding “alone time” with my daughter here.

It is almost like I have to give Emma money and the car keys and then hope the mood at home turns romantic instantaneously.

We tried this once and Emma came home a bit too early and interrupted an “event.”

I’ve tried to get Emma and her mom to make up so my fiancee and I can have more alone time, but I really do like having her here.

Do you have any ideas besides sending my daughter away often and scheduling date nights at home? Eager

Dear Eager: I suggest nooners and a sturdy lock on your bedroom door.