Must it always be her job?

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for four years. Even before tying the knot, I noticed that his family always contacted me regarding details for birthdays, get-togethers, celebrations, etc.

I am bombarded with messages from his mother, aunts, grandmother and cousins asking if we will be participating in gift exchanges, to please provide gift lists for my husband and myself, to let us know when holiday dinners are taking place, etc.

Amy, my husband is a responsible guy. These are his family members.

Every year, I try to politely (behind gritted teeth) steer these queries toward my husband. Every year I am sought out (ahem, hunted down) for information. Am I being too sensitive?

Stressed

Dear Stressed: Yes, this gendered treatment does happen, and, yes, you are being too sensitive.

Drop the notion that your husband’s family is only seeking your opinion on gifts because you’re a woman. Consider another, more shocking alternative: They like you.

It sounds like these relatives are reaching out because you are part of their family. Keeping special occasions as his-and-hers events is a bold goal, but I know from experience that it doesn’t work; families are messy, and the sooner you drop the idea that each spouse deals exclusively with their own side, the better.

Before your next special occasion, take the initiative and contact them first.

Dear Amy: Our daughter is a college graduate, working full time and living at home. She has been with her boyfriend for six years, and while he is a “good guy,” he has few aspirations and life goals. He is a college dropout and has held only menial jobs.

My husband and I feel that she is postponing her dreams because of him, and this concerns us. We’ve gently discussed this with her. Sometimes she has been receptive, other times defensive.

Other people see this too (including her siblings). She is the only one who does not see the light. She’ll speak her mind to him but is also forgiving. We just want her to reach for her dreams without being held back by him.

We have a great relationship with her, and the last thing we want to do is push her toward him. Is there anything we can do to nudge her? Or should we stay silent and let time tell? Concerned

Dear Concerned: If it were possible for parents to make children break up with partners the parents don’t like, everybody would do it.

It is hard to see someone you care about in a relationship that might not be good for them, but contrary to what romantic comedies tell us, there’s no way to make your daughter see that she picked the wrong guy.

Forget about the boyfriend for a moment and look at everything else in your daughter’s life: She is moving forward, just at a slower pace than you expected. This is not uncommon; graduating from college can be a jarring experience, and many people cling to things that are familiar. That includes old relationships.

Give her a chance to figure things out; she will get there. For now, your only job is to let her grow into her own adulthood and to absorb the consequences for herself.