A time for ‘normalizing’?

Dear Amy: Over the last few years, my marriage has felt stagnant and unfulfilling.

About a year ago, I grew close to a friend and colleague (he is single), slowly at first, but then becoming more and more intimate.

We both knew I was in no position to divorce, as maintaining a stable environment for my young family is my priority. We tried to keep the intensity level low, but we shared a brief and limited physical element.

Eventually, I realized I was not at peace. I ended contact with him. I realized I needed to put the energy I was putting into my emotional relationship back into my marriage. Things are better, and I am glad I am working on the marriage. But I know (actually I knew for years) that my husband and I are not really soul mates and that we are a cultural and intellectual mismatch — the elements that draw me to my friend in the first place.

I still have lingering and often strong feelings. I keep wondering if these feelings are preventing me from further improving my marriage. My friend has been fully understanding about why it is probably best for us not to have contact.

During one of our last conversations, he said his concern was that we might end up over-romanticizing or over-idealizing each other in our memories.

He suggested I consider an occasional “normalizing” meeting: a coffee or lunch in which we remind ourselves that our relationship at its most intense was meaningful but not really realistic.

I am not sure if a “normalizing” meeting would bring my feelings down to earth — or simply re-spark the attraction.

What should I do? Torn

Dear Torn: I think that occasional “normalizing” meetings where you and your friend remind yourselves of the intensity of your romance as a way to move on from it are the perfect trigger to rekindling the romance.

You (and he) seem to have already processed this relationship. You claim to already know what you need to know — that your marriage is important to you, that you are committed to it and that this other relationship interfered with your marriage. Why then would you need yet more evidence that this extramarital relationship was not good for you?

In this case, “normalizing” sounds like an intellectually framed rationalization to see each other. I vote no.

Dear Amy: A friend of mine was to get married. Again — for (about) the third time. She has called off each wedding with excuses. The most recent wedding was one I was to be in.

A week before the wedding, she called this one off with the excuse that he was not good-looking.

She said, “Can you imagine waking up to him for the rest of your life?!!” What upset me was she never called me to let me know the wedding was called off. I told her that it upset me. She said, “You’ll get over it.”

My question is, should I hang on to this so-called friendship or let it go? Wondering

Dear Wondering: You should treat this relationship as sensitively as your friend regards her various engagements. Drop the friendship, and assure her that she is right in this regard: You will definitely “get over it.”