Family time is a must-do
Dear Amy: I have always tried to raise my two children, now 17 and 18, to be independent. They were allowed to make a lot of their own decisions, for better or for worse (although I, of course, gave them guidance when they needed it).
Guess what? It worked! Now they don’t need me or choose to be with me for more than 10 minutes a day, in general. Eating dinner takes only seven minutes, apparently. Then, “I have homework to do.”
The older one is in college and hacking her way through life’s challenges in ways that befuddle me but still seem to keep her on the general path toward adulthood.
The younger one is a great student, responsible and trustworthy but basically a roommate who forages in the kitchen at midnight.
I know they love me; they tell me reasonably often, and I get hugs now and then.
I am an active person, always with a little project or taking a walk. They never want to do anything with my husband or me unless it involves food or some unusual activity like going to a comedy club.
They are going to be gone for good before I know it, so my question is this: Do I let them continue to live their own lives for better or for worse, or do I occasionally force them to do things with us and ignore the complaining? Befuddled Mom
Dear Befuddled: I think that you should occasionally force your kids to do “family things.” This demonstrates that there are times when they should, in fact, engage in relationship-building activities just because other people want them to.
The place to start this campaign might be during your seven-minute dinners.
Your children should, in fact, be forced to stay at the table and converse — or wait patiently with their phones elsewhere — until everyone is done eating. Then, unless they have cooked the meal, they should clear the table and clean the dishes. This is basic life skills 101.
And, yes, occasionally you should force-march them through a family hike or into a museum with you and their father, simply because you are all in a family together. They should also be forced to attend celebrations or memorial services for family members, even if they have other plans. And, yes, you should ignore the complaining. And, yes, they will still love you.
Dear Amy: I love my significant other, but when we have issues she stonewalls me.
I don’t know how to get through to her. I want to stick around, I want her to get better, but nothing I say is the right thing and nothing I do is the right thing.
I am losing myself. I’m late for work. I neglect school. I don’t get sleep. How can I be a good person to someone who doesn’t want my help and who can’t accept it? Upset
Dear Upset: You can’t be the good person you want to be if you neglect your own health and well-being trying to serve the needs of someone who rejects your efforts.
The first step toward emotional healing and wellness for her would be to learn how to generously love the person who loves her. If she isn’t willing to at least try to communicate, then you should consider leaving the relationship, for your own sake.