Friend’s griping grows old

Dear Amy: I have lifelong buddy in his 50s. He had a few emotional/family/divorce issues a decade ago and basically checked out of life. He stopped maintaining his home and business and let his health go. During that period, I listened and offered support and advice.

Two years ago, he announced he was going to turn things around. He isn’t making much progress and is making some seriously bad decisions. Luckily, he’s financially secure, with a recent large inheritance and no major financial worries.

Now our weekly calls have evolved into hours of him either droning on about how hard he’s working and how smart he is to overcome these self-inflicted problems or complaining about how hard it is to get out of the hole that he dug.

I recommend a solution, then ask him not to complain. If I continue to offer advice or feedback, he gets mad or hangs up on me. Recently he told me he just wants me to provide emotional support. But his behavior screams: “Help!”

I want to help but don’t want to listen to him complain. Tired of Listening Dear Tired: Your friend is not asking for help. You seem to be perennially tempted to leap in and fix, or suggest fixes, but your suggestions fall upon deaf ears. This frustrates you.

If you want to maintain a friendship with him, don’t make suggestions. Don’t cut him off and tell him not to complain. Just don’t. Listen without comment, don’t engage and then, when he has run out of gas, change the subject.

You might be able to rebalance this relationship by focusing on other topics or spending time together (rather than talking by phone), which would take you both outside of your familiar ways of relating.

Dear Amy: I have a couple of friends with therapy dogs. I fully support these dogs providing needed support and companionship.

I do, however, expect dogs, whether they are therapy dogs or not, to be welltrained, well-behaved and clean when they are a guest in my home.

Recently, I’ve had friends with therapy dogs get mad at me when I set limits on their dogs when I was hosting them.

One friend came to my house for dinner with her therapy dog. The dog is very sweet and important to my friend, and I genuinely like the dog. However, the dog had a dirty butt and my friend let her sit on our furniture, let her eat expensive cheese off of our good china at the table and let her stand on her lap with its butt poised over the dinner table.

She shot us a look of, “How dare you say that!” when we asked that the dog stay on the f loor, not beg and not eat people food. She’s been very distant since then. Do you or any of your readers have advice on the etiquette of interacting with other peoples’ therapy dogs? Doggy Manners

Dear Doggy: I fail to see what is therapeutic about having a poorly trained dog interfering with your human friendships. To me, this is the opposite of therapeutic.

I think this whole “therapy animal” trend is out of control, and unfortunately this only serves to diminish the important role that trained and sanctioned animals serve for those who truly need them.

You sound exceptionally tolerant. Your expectations are completely reasonable.