Perhaps a chance to heal

Dear Amy: My husband, “Steven,” was raised by an abusive father. He received regular beatings and humiliation (in front of his friends) as punishment. He was not a bad kid. His mother stood by passively and did nothing about it.

Steven had two siblings who were not treated badly. As an adult, his mom and dad continued to “put him in his place” in other ways.

Since he could no longer be beaten, at family gatherings they liked to humiliate him by bringing up “bad” things he did when he was a child.

He is a 60-year-old man now. He has suffered his entire life and was made to feel like there was something wrong with him.

When we noticed that our daughter was also being singled out and treated as if she were inferior to her cousins, we finally felt we had to do something about it and decided to no longer celebrate holidays with them.

We send cards and email greetings, but we do not feel it is healthy for us to spend time with them.

This has made us so much happier, and our holidays are now stress-free.

Steven’s father has Alzheimer’s now, and his brother has contacted him, acting contrite for his past behavior. He wants to get together.

I am fearful about this. My husband is a wonderful person and wants to do the right thing. What is your opinion? Worried Wife

Dear Worried: I think your husband should seek a meeting with his brother, and perhaps also visit his father.

I believe that the right thing to do is to give people a chance to make amends, while still reserving a selfprotective skepticism and overall release from specific expectations about how things will go.

Your husband’s parents created a toxic atmosphere in their home, where one child was singled out for tough treatment, and the other children were enlisted as part of the abusive system. When parents do this, all of the children suffer. The child being abused suffers, of course, but their siblings grow up witnessing this behavior, knowing that they might be next and feeling conflicted and guilty.

Now that the father is no longer a threat, Steven’s brother might have had a genuine realization regarding the family dynamic, and it could be healing for Steven to talk to his brother about it.

Dear Amy: My father-inlaw is dying of pancreatic cancer and may have only months to live.

I was assisting him on his cellphone and found evidence that he had an affair. I saw an exchange of X-rated messages and “I love yous.” I pretended not to see anything and said nothing to him.

I assume the affair is over; he can barely care for himself, and my mother-inlaw is his caregiver.

But what now? Do I keep his secret? Worried Son-in-law

Dear Son-in-law: When faced with a dilemma regarding divulging a secret, ask yourself, “Who would benefit?” and “What good would it do?”

In many cases regarding family secrets, the “good” is simply “truth.” But in this case, your father-in-law has no opportunity to alter his behavior, and little opportunity to explain, apologize and make amends.

I’d say let this one go.