Teen’s mom is ‘that’ mom
Dear Amy: My teen daughter is the one who plans and invites the group of friends to movies, skating, over to our home, etc. She does the calling and arranging, and it is extremely rare that she receives a reciprocal invitation. This has been going on for years.
My response is that she should stop the planning/ inviting. She thinks someday things will turn around. But like I said it’s been years. I am the mom to pick them up/drop them off, etc. I ask if others can contribute and am given excuses as to why the other parents cannot.
Any advice? I just want reciprocation. Tired Mom
Dear Tired: Many teenage friend groups have a dynamic similar to your daughter’s, where one individual is basically the social engine the group runs on. Please understand that your daughter is both skilled and lucky. Many teens do not have the social confidence, ability or parental participation to successfully plan anything. You’re the mom who is available — and tolerated. You’re THAT mom, and your house is THAT house — the house where kids feel comfortable.
Unless your daughter feels ignored, discounted or dominated by this friend group she is providing for, I hope you will continue to participate. This life-phase is so short.
Contact other parents directly — not through their kids — and ask them to do some driving. Also, if these teens are old enough to go on outings alone, then they are old enough to catch a bus.
Dear Amy: Two years ago, when my (male) cousin was engaged, I attended his fiancée’s bridal shower. The shower was lovely, and the bride’s registry was extravagant (to say the least). Nonetheless, I gave a generous gift and attended happily.
A few months later I went to their wedding. My husband and I gave a thoughtful gift.
Months went by and no one received a thank-you for either event!
Fast-forward to today. My cousin’s wife is now pregnant, and I have received a baby shower invitation. I am tempted to not attend because I will be angry about not receiving a thank-you.
Should I go and give a small gift, or give an excuse and not attend? Maybe I should include a self-addressed thank-you card along with my gift? Snubbed Cousin
Dear Snubbed: This is an all-too-common problem. However, I’d like to point out that while you are fixated on their rudeness, including a passive-aggressive thankyou card with a shower gift is also rude, and hanging onto a grudge for two years is a bit impolite too.
Yes, this couple was thoughtless, but you do not have to be. You should contact them via email and say, “I’m embarrassed to ask this, but did you ever get your ‘thank you’s’ out after your engagement and wedding? If so, we never received them. Honestly, that has hurt my feelings. These landmark occasions are so important, and being thanked for giving a gift closes the circle for the people who celebrate with you.” This is a polite and honest nudge. Do not tie it to the baby shower.
If you can attend this shower and still be polite to this couple, then do so, and give them a small gift like you had planned — without the self-addressed note. If you think that you are incapable of being polite at this shower, then stay home.