A very un-Brady reality
Two decades ago my husband and I merged our families and then had more children together. We were a true Brady Bunch.
Fast-forward 20 years. We are now empty nesters.
The problem is that my husband’s birth children treat me like crap.
They don’t know when my birthday is and don’t acknowledge it. I don’t get a call or a card on Mother’s Day. I don’t receive Christmas gifts. I never get thanks for their birthday, Christmas or other special occasion gifts that I send; nor do I receive acknowledgment for gifts to the grandchildren.
I feel hurt and fed up. I’m tired of feeling this way. I raised these kids for more than half their childhoods. Resentful Brady Mom
Dear Resentful: You don’t mention if you’ve discussed your frustrations with your husband, but this is a family problem and he is your partner. If he had done things differently when the kids were younger, surely they would know when your birthday is.
You are at a tipping point in your relationship with these adults. Basically, now is when you get to say what you want, and ask them to participate. Say: “I have to be honest, I love you all, and I’m proud to have had an important part in your lives when you were young. But I’m quite hurt that I never hear from you. I feel I’ve become quite invisible, and I would like for things to be different. I hope you’ll communicate with me about ways to improve things.”
If you try and nothing changes, simply step back and anchor instead to those relationships in your life that are more positive and balanced.
Dear Amy: I recently moved away from my hometown. After moving, I became more outgoing, began to lose weight and started feeling confident enough to finally start meeting men. I had struggled with confidence due to weight gain during college. I used selfdeprecation as a tool to stop people from criticizing me.
People used to say that I would never date because of my intense focus on academics and because I was socially awkward. I purposely used “big” words to make myself feel superior.
Recently, I stopped feeding into the narrative, and things started to change.
Unfortunately, now my relationship with my best friend is complicated. I like her and want to confide in her but feel as if she doesn’t acknowledge the positive changes in my life. Is it time to take a break, or is there a way to make her see how her actions remind me of a rough time in my life? Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: Your experiences are demonstrating that when you change, your relationships also change.
Your friend might have needed you (in some way) to be the geeky, unsure girl you used to be. She might feel somewhat abandoned by this new fabulous version of you.
Good, balanced friends are supportive and happy for you when you experience positive changes in your life, but from what you’ve said, you seem to feel undermined. If you talk to her about this, start by asking her about her life. Then ask her to talk about yours.
It seems like this relationship may be evolving from a best friendship to a cordial catch-up friend whenever you return home.
Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.