‘Big Sis’ worries about girl
Dear Amy: I am a 30-yearold woman with no children.
I am mentoring a 12-yearold girl through the Big Sisters program. “Sandie” is a great, strong-willed kid but has been through the wringer with a history of sexual abuse, her dad in prison for most of her life, serious poverty and her mom giving up custody.
This doesn’t faze me; my question is regarding the kind of media she consumes.
She has always had unlimited access to a smartphone and the internet.
As a result, her favorite music is the most intense kinds of “gangsta rap,” with shocking and horrible language. She loves horror and R-rated movies, and her idols are all incredibly trashy reality/YouTube teens with prison records.
I am a total bookworm square and was raised in white upper-middle-class suburbia, so this was definitely new territory for me.
I know this kind of stuff can’t be healthy for a little kid to be taking in, and my question is how I should handle it when she (regularly) pulls up her favorite videos or songs to show me.
Should I say anything? Should I just keep my mouth shut and nod neutrally? No Kid Experience Dear No Experience: Your mentor at the Big Sisters program might have specific recommendations for how to handle this. My view is that you should approach this the way parents the world over are forced to tackle media use — through paying attention and gentle inquiry and by exposing this adolescent to more positive messages.
When “Sandie” shows you something, you can ask her, “What do you like about this?” “What is it about?” Encourage her to interpret some of what she is consuming instead of just letting it wash over her. You can also share your own reaction: “When I hear this, it sounds like they are putting down girls. I worry that this language is not good for kids to hear, because it is violent and negative.”
You should also encourage her to express herself through writing slam poetry, rap, or whatever medium speaks to her.
Most important, you two should do things together that don’t involve media use. Volunteering together at a Habitat for Humanity build or at your local Head Start program will widen her world and encourage her to develop her own strengths to help others.
Dear Amy: My daughter has been living with her boyfriend for five years.
She has a very good-paying job and is supporting this boy, who has not worked at all since he moved in with her. He says he cannot find a job. My daughter has bought her own home (and put his name on it too).
He does not do any housework, yardwork or anything. She does it all herself when she gets home from work.
He plays computer games all day long.
I want to tell her that she should get him motivated, because I cannot keep quiet about this. It is driving me crazy. What should I say to her? Losing Patience
Dear Losing: Stay out of it. Don’t trash your daughter’s partner. You have no role in motivating him. If she approaches you and wants to talk about this, encourage her to see in herself what you see in her — a lovely, smart and successful woman who deserves the best in life. She will have to get the rest of the way on her own.