Fury over paraphernalia

Dear Amy: I am the father of three kids, all boys ranging in age from 11 to 17.

The two oldest boys share a room in our unattached guesthouse; my youngest son’s room is in the main house.

Recently, my in-laws came to stay with us for a week. We moved them to the guesthouse. While the boys were not thrilled, they reluctantly cleaned up and relocated for the week.

When I woke up on the first morning, both of my inlaws were already arguing in the kitchen. My mother-inlaw proceeded to show me a marijuana pipe, rolling papers and a lighter that had been hidden under the sink in the guesthouse.

I told her that I would deal with it and asked her not to say anything to the boys herself. She was furious that I would not address it immediately.

My mother-in-law then told my wife, who immediately scolded the two boys in front of the rest of the family, took away all of their privileges and phones, grounded them and then made them apologize to their grandparents several times. I feel that my wife overreacted to please her mother.

Both boys were silent, sullen and refused to engage with the rest of the family for the rest of the week.

My mother-in-law told me that their trip was “horrible” because her grandchildren wouldn’t talk to her. Ever since, she has bombarded my wife with comments about how “weak” and “useless” I am as a father.

Was my approach wrong? Grounded Dad

Dear Dad: I agree with your reaction for how to deal with this. I also agree with your wife’s consequences, but not with how she delivered them — in anger, publicly and without you.

You should not engage with your MIL about this because, frankly, it is none of her business. You should save your energy for dealing with your sons. Their drug use should tell you that (at the very least) they really should not be bunking in the guesthouse. They need closer supervision, direction and clear consequences from both parents.

Dear Amy: My two daughters have never gotten along. They are half sisters. The older one spent half the time with her father and half with me.

I wasn’t stable while they were growing up but have worked hard to rectify that (no drugs, alcohol, etc.).

The older one will not speak to me, only text; when she does talk to me, she does so as if I’m an idiot.

I always seem to go back for more because I love her and my granddaughter. The younger daughter is an angel. We talk every day, and I am more involved with her children.

Over Easter, I suggested a get-together; the older wouldn’t let me know, so I spent the week worrying that she wouldn’t come.

How do I get past letting this affect me each and every birthday and holiday? Upset

Dear Upset: Your “angel” daughter rates a mention. Your older daughter takes up all of your space. You should try to recalibrate this balance. Anchor your plans and positive emotions to the reliable daughter, and assume that your other daughter will not participate in your relationship in the same way. Now is the time to take care of yourself.