Dating in the texting era
Dear Amy: I am a 24-yearold woman. Since leaving my previous relationship, I’ve been getting back out there and going on dates.
When I realize that I do not wish to pursue a relationship with someone after going on (one to five) dates with them, I usually send a text that says something along the lines of, “Hi, Mike. I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think we have enough of a romantic connection to pursue anything further. I wish you the best.”
I dislike the idea of “ghosting ” someone I’ve met in person, but I also don’t think letting them down in person or on the phone is necessary when we don’t know each other very well.
The two men I’ve recently sent this message to never responded. Is it rude for me to send that text, and/or is it rude for them not to respond? I can’t help but be a little hurt when I agonize over sending a text that I know will hurt someone’s feelings (because these men expressed their interest in continuing to see me), only to get no acknowledgment that they even received it. Not Interested
Dear Not Interested: I agree with you that sending an honest text message is a good idea in this context. It is not like you are breaking up — you are giving these people a heads-up on where you stand and releasing them from any further misapprehension.
What you shouldn’t do is expect anything in particular in return. These men are being rejected, they get it and they are moving on.
Dear Amy: Recently I gained access to my husband’s Facebook account. I checked his search history and found that he has looked up an old girlfriend several times over the past two years.
I was devastated, and confronted him. He said he was curious about where she is and what has happened to her over the years.
I can understand looking her up a couple of times, but once you have seen what she looks like and what is happening in her life, that should be the end of it.
This isn’t the only thing that has happened recently. We both retired a few months ago, and when he received a phone call from a female co-worker, he acted very suspicious and said he would call her later.
He has also texted her several times regarding work-related issues.
He has apologized and said it won’t happen again. But I still feel insecure. Need Reassurance Dear Need Reassurance: What you really need is a new hobby. Stop policing your husband. Both of the things you report (looking at an old girlfriend’s Facebook page and receiving work-related text messages from a former colleague) are benign. All the same, you have confronted your husband, and he has reassured you. Take it.
According to the way you describe this, your feeling of “devastation” is out of balance, so you should start concentrating on ways to feel better about yourself.
Trust is a choice, and choosing to trust someone who deserves to be trusted will liberate you.
Retirement can be a very challenging period for couples as they adjust to the twin challenges of being less structured or occupied, while also sharing more time together. I hope you will find healthier ways to spend your time.