What kind of a shower?

Dear Amy: Our eldest son is getting married (for the second time) next spring.

It is his fiancée’s first marriage, and I’m happy for her excitement (they are in their mid-40s).

She has asked for my thoughts on wedding etiquette. This is a case where two households are coming together. They really do NOT need some of the more traditional-type gifts.

Is there a special way for our side of the family/her friends to honor her with a shower (or a tea) and not seem like it is just an opportunity for a gift?

I know you can request donations to a favorite charity instead of gifts, but it’s not like they are both wealthy.

They really could use gift cards toward a bigger gift (i.e. at Lowe’s or Home Depot), or cash gifts to help with a larger purchase.

Their home cannot accommodate a lot of extras, as there is very little storage space with combining his kids and her possessions. Wondering MIL Dear Wondering: It sounds as if you don’t want for any shower to seem like a gift opportunity — and yet, it also seems as if you do. And why not? One function of a pre-wedding shower is to “shower” the couple with gifts.

When planning celebrations, be aware that confusion about the intent or purpose will create a vacuum that guests will not know how to handle. So, yes, you can plan a traditional tea (“no gifts, please” or: “the couple would be honored by a donation to Habitat for Humanity”); a “linen shower” or “kitchen shower” (every couple can use new household linens or kitchen items — they can register for what they would like to receive, then donate their used ones).

For this couple, I like the idea of a “DIY” or “life renovation” party. Guests can be told, “Because they are combining households, Elyse and Gary are requesting gift cards to (name their preferred home improvement store) to put toward making Gary’s house a new home for the whole family.” Dear Amy: A friend of mine recently eloped. I sent a really nice, expensive (over $200) arrangement of red roses to the couple’s home, along with a card addressed to her and her new husband, congratulating them.

I was surprised when I didn’t receive even an acknowledgment of the roses.

About a month later a mutual friend of ours told me that my newlywed friend thought it was inappropriate that I sent RED roses, saying that I must be IN LOVE with her because red roses are sent by someone who wants to express their romantic feelings to the recipient I should have known that white or yellow roses were OK, but not red!

I have been perplexed. Is it inappropriate to send red roses to a newly married couple? Should I call with an apology? Seeing Red Dear Seeing Red: Red roses are often associated with romantic passion, but ... who cares? And why couldn’t this symbolize the couple’s passion toward each other?

Your friend’s lack of acknowledgment (and her judgment, which she gossiped about to someone else) is rude to the core.

Honestly, I only think you might have erred in your extravagance.

You do not owe your friend an apology. She owes you a thank you.

Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.