Curious about her family

Dear Amy: As a child, I only met my maternal grandmother, who visited (along with my aunt) twice. My uncle called once or twice a year.

I asked my mom about her absent family. She said, “Some families are just that way.” I let it go but was always curious.

At a recent, away-from-home conference I attended, I was taken aback to find my (estranged) aunt on a speaker panel! Two women sitting at my table knew my aunt and mom from high school 50 years ago. They were “chatty” and talked about what a smart, funny, warm person my aunt is. They talked about how she sacrificed and endured such hardship to care for my grandparents and uncle in the years before they died. (They weren’t aware that I am related to the people they were discussing.)

They tsk-tsked about how sad it was that my aunt’s only remaining family (my mom) had abandoned her ill family members. They described Mom as a narcissist. I didn’t say anything and left early, upset inside.

I don’t blame my mom for wanting the freedom to create her own life not tied to ill family members. I also now understand how hard this must have been for my relatives, especially for my aunt, who carried the load alone.

My mother can be guarded and avoidant of conversations she doesn’t want to have. I don’t want to hurt her, but this bothers me. How can I discuss it without opening a can of worms? Both Sides Now

Dear Both Sides: It’s time to open the can. Your mother is guarded and avoidant when she doesn’t want to talk about something. Aren’t we all? I suggest you say, “Mom, I want to have a conversation about our family. Please bear with me.” Then, you should fully disclose your experience at the conference. Tell her that you find this confusing, and that you would like to understand these relationships from her perspective. Tell her, “I’m not judging you, but I want to understand why we don’t have contact. Can you tell me about it?”

You should decide whether you want to independently contact your aunt (I vote yes).

Dear Amy: My daughter and her husband received a restaurant gift card from my wealthy sister. They went to pay using the card and the waiter came back to tell them the card had only $2 left on the $50 card.

Because my daughter had just received the card, he told her to call the number on the back of the card.

The company told her that the card was last used in 2015 for $48. So, my sister regifted a used gift card!

My daughter asked me what to do. I told her she should call her aunt and tell her, because I’m sure she’d want to make it right. My daughter says she’s afraid to tell her because she doesn’t want to embarrass her. How would you handle this? Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: Even if your sister “regifted” this card, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as the card contains its stated value. It would be the equivalent of receiving a $50 bill from someone and then giving the bill to someone else. Why does it matter how your sister acquired this card, or how long she has held it?

Your daughter should simply tell her aunt, “When we went to use the card, we found out that it only has $2 value on it. I thought you should know.”