A need to confront Mom

Dear Amy: I am so angry with my mother. My father was abusive, and during his rages when I was a child, my mother would either defend him or ignore it completely — as it was going on! I don’t understand her refusal to protect her own child.

I want to have a long, deep conversation about everything. But she refuses. Whenever I bring it up, she gets upset, insists that she was a good mother and won’t talk about it.

I need this closure so I won’t be so angry all the time. But I can’t force her to talk to me.

I don’t want to walk around with this forever. I have poured my heart out to a therapist, but it’s my mother I really need to speak to. Please help. Angry Daughter

Dear Angry: I am so sorry that this happened to you.

You need to accept that you will not get what you are looking for from your mother. You didn’t get it as a child, and you likely won’t get it now. Even if you can persuade her to acknowledge what happened in your past, talking with her may not fix things for you. You may pour out your heart and find that you’re still angry. This is understandable.

Write down your story as a letter to your mother, written from the perspective of the hurt child. Share this with your therapist. Decide whether you want to send it. Then you should find ways to nurture and sooth the child within. Seek ways to “mother” yourself, bestowing the acceptance, love and support that you wish you’d had from her.

If you haven’t already done so, visit the site for Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (havoca.org), for ideas, suggestions and connections.

Dear Amy: My sister’s husband loves to fish with my husband, who is disabled and fishes a good bit. Years ago, my brother-in-law started coming for a week each year to stay with us and fish with my husband all day for seven days.

We have never invited him to come here. He never gives us more than a week’s notice. We have a pack of dogs that bark the entire time he is in our home. My nerves are shot by the time he leaves.

This year, he is coming again. The problem is that my husband can NOT do this like he used to. I work, and having him here is a huge burden on me.

Please tell me how to tell my sister and her husband this without hurting their feelings or causing any anger. My husband will NOT admit that he cannot go like he used to, so he says OK when my brother-in-law texts him and says he’s coming. Upset in Georgia

Dear Upset: I assume that there were several years where this loose arrangement worked out well for everyone, and now it is an annual “tradition.”

If you want this behavior to stop, you will have to set boundaries and be clear about your needs. If your husband no longer wants to do this but can’t say so, you should act as his gatekeeper and do it on his behalf.

Contact your sister and brother-in-law and tell them, “This annual visit worked out for many years, and ‘Bart’ loved his fishing time. But he’s not well enough to do this, and I am overwhelmed, so we’re going to have to cancel this year’s visit. Let’s talk about a weekend date when we can all get together.”