When kids behave cruelly
Dear Amy: My youngest daughter, “Sara,” 12, is as sweet as pie to those she loves. She also speaks her mind, sometimes too plainly. Her mother and I have always waff led between being happy that she sticks up for herself and concerned that her bluntness will alienate people.
Recently an older girl, “Carrie,” approached me at our public pool. Carrie attends school with my older daughter. I introduced her to a group of kids nearby as: “A friend of my daughters’.” Carrie responded by putting “friends” in finger-quotes, and then stating that, “Your daughters hate me. Sara just said, ‘Hello — go away’ to me.”
I jumped right on it with Sara: “How would that make you feel? How do you think it made her feel?
I also tried to make Carrie feel better, but honestly, she is a tough kid to like: She never gets into the conversation and has rough social skills. But this is no excuse for my daughter’s horrible behavior. Is there anything I can say or do to make Carrie feel better? Should I speak to her parents? Guilty in NC Dear Guilty: You did a nice job correcting your adolescent, then you actually confirmed her unkind assessment of the girl she was so cruel to. Way to go, Dad! (To me, it sounds as if “Carrie” is “on the spectrum,” which would explain her affect.)
Your message to your daughter should be, “I don’t care what this other person is like, or if she is challenging, or simply bugs you. You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to be friends with. You DO have to be kind to others — regardless. It’s that simple. You owe her an apology, and you need to deliver it right now.”
Dear Amy: My husband’s parents’ own a beautiful lake house where my husband and I have spent a week or two every summer for decades. Two years ago, my husband and I invited three couples — our close friends — to spend a weekend with us there.
Last week, a friend (who was part of the group that vacationed with us two years ago) texted me, saying that she and our other friends were planning on contacting my in-laws to “arrange dates” for the group to vacation at the lake house. She said that she knows my husband and I are busy and might not be able to join them, but they’d like to go this year, and don’t want us to feel like we have to host them. Essentially, our friends planned a vacation (without us) to our family’s house!
I contacted my mother and father-in-law, who are incredibly generous and kind people. They were shocked by my friend’s display of entitlement. I told my friend that my in-laws weren’t ready to open the cabin to friends unless family was present, and she replied that it was “fine.”
How do I let my friends know that this request/demand was rude and presumptuous? How do I stop this from happening in the future? Offended and Annoyed
Dear Offended: Wow, this takes entitlement to a whole new level! You could deliver a stronger statement by responding: “This is a family home. Your choice to bypass us to solicit an invitation from my in-laws is surprising. I wish you hadn’t done that.”
If this person is aggressive enough to continue pushing, simply say, “No.”
Send questions for Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com.