Date was a drunken lecher
Dear Amy: I have a history of attracting unkind, angry men. I had recently come off a two-year break from dating, when my mom’s neighbor asked me out. He seemed like a nice guy, so I took a chance.
I think he had been drinking before he picked me up. He brought me to a bar and started touching me and trying to kiss me. He also insisted that I drink more — and faster.
I looked him in the eyes and asked him to please stop, because it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t stop.
We then left to go to another bar where we both drank more until the bartender cut him off. I was grateful. We went back to my mom’s house and fooled around. He left in the middle of the night.
What exactly do you do when speaking up and saying no aren’t enough?
How can I handle this?
Dear Heartsick: You used your voice. Good for you. But never, ever go with a drunk to the second location. What I mean is — when a drunken lout makes you uncomfortable physically, that’s when you excuse yourself, get the bartender’s attention and ask for help. You say, “I came here with this guy, but now I’m scared. Can you help me?” (The Good Night Out Campaign — goodnight campaign.org — trains bartenders and servers for how to intervene when customers are being harassed.)
Do not leave the public place. Other women (and men) will help you. (Recently, I witnessed a drunken harassment situation turning aggressive in a bar, and I called the police.)
You used your own best judgment, but your own alcohol consumption made this harder for you to manage.
The way to handle your fears is to learn to be strong. Never override your own fears. A self-defense class could give you more confidence.
The next thing to work on is your own discernment: There are great and nice guys out there. They will meet you for coffee as a way to get to know you.
Dear Amy: A few months ago, I received a “save the date” card from cousins for an wedding reception, to be held six months from now.
This couple has been married (with three children and a home) for the last 10 years!
This week, I received an invitation to a bridal shower for this couple.
When they got married 10 years ago, they did not have a wedding reception or any other celebration, because they were wed at the local courthouse.
This wedding reception and bridal shower will take place as if this couple is just being married without this 10-year history. No expense has been spared!
Do you follow usual rules and amounts for gift-giving, or do different rules and amounts apply?
Dear Awaiting: This is confusing, because the couple is already married. Consider this party to be their wedding reception, on a 10year tape delay.
Given the lead time to this reception, it sounds as if they have been planning and saving for this shindig.
Having a bridal shower is a strange choice, but, yes, if you attend the reception, you should plan to give them a gift. You can assume that they are registered somewhere.
Send questions to askamy@ amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.