Suddenly, pregnancy news

My husband and I just found out that I am pregnant. We weren’t planning this, but now that we’re over the shock, we are very happy. This will be the first grandchild for both of our families, and we know our parents are going to be thrilled.

However, I’m nervous about telling my husband’s brother and his wife. They have been trying to have a child for more than five years. They’ve suffered through fertility testing and IVF, as well as a late-term miscarriage. It’s been incredibly painful for them.

How can we be sensitive to them in announcing and talking about our pregnancy?

Worried

Dear Worried: You are already sensitive to your inlaws’ situation and are kindly concerned about them. But if you deliver hugs and sympathy sobs along with your joyful news, this couple will feel condescended to and exposed. I think this news is best not delivered in person, where the couple might also feel blindsided and put on the spot.

You and your husband should email or call this couple to tell them, “We’re letting you know before telling other family members that we are pregnant. We are both aware of what you have been through to try to build your family, and our news is tempered by our wish that you weren’t going through this. We know you want the best for us, but we also want you to know that we completely understand if you want to have some space or are not inclined to celebrate.”

There is no need to be hush-hush around them. Don’t apologize for your own good luck. But let them off the hook regarding baby showers and any other baby related hoopla. No matter what, you should be understanding and patient.

Dear Amy: I am a widow of three years, after 40 years of marriage. I have no children.

During my first year of widowhood, my friends and family checked on me often and invited me places.

Those invitations started to stop, so I asked to go places with them. Sometimes they would say yes.

I have many interests and participate in them on my own. But I would like these friends and family to ask me to do things with them.

What I especially dislike is the posting of their activities on social media. I realize that I am now an “odd” person.

I also realize that everyone has their own lives. Should I just learn to live with this?

Lonely

Dear Lonely: This is your new normal, and to a certain extent, you will have to adjust both to the feeling of exclusion, and to the need to build other newer relationships. If you have asked to be included and are being rebuffed or overlooked, it might be best for you to “hide” social media postings that trigger your loneliness.

It can be very challenging to develop friendships later in life, but joining groups and/or volunteering where you are likely to meet peers will help.

I recently became aware of the term “elder orphan,” which describes someone in your circumstance. Consider joining the “Elder Orphans” Facebook group (facebook.com/groups/elder orphans) to meet others and to communicate about ways to support one another.