Babysitting gets in the way

Dear Amy: My lady friend, “Kate,” and I have been together for nine years. We both have children and grandkids from our marriages. We are active seniors and travel often. When not traveling, we go out to dinner several times weekly and are fairly active socially.

When my grandkids came along, I made it perfectly clear that I would be more than willing to babysit now and then.

I said I would not be a built-in sitter; I would not commit to sitting every week on a set schedule.

Kate has four young grandkids — two boys and two girls. She babysits constantly for her daughters. They take advantage of her.

I find myself sitting home many nights alone — weekends included. I deeply care for this person but find myself resentful and lonely many days (and nights). How can I handle this tactfully? Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused: You could mitigate some of your loneliness by diving in as a defacto grandparent for these children, but you have already successfully created limits and boundaries with your own kids, demonstrating the limits to your interest in providing childcare for your own kin, not to mention someone else’s.

You don’t say whether “Kate” is complaining about her grandparenting duties. If she doesn’t like being the go-to granny for her daughters, then she should set boundaries, just as you have done.

She is possibly taking on almost twice the childcare responsibility of either of her daughters, as she juggles between the needs of both families.

You should talk to Kate, calmly and without complaining. Ask her if she is willing to set aside inviolate “couple time” where you and she can count on being together. Is she willing to ever say no to a last-minute nonemergency sitting request?

If she isn’t willing to prioritize any of her time — for her and for you — then you should find worthwhile things to do with your own time. Sitting at home and waiting for the sitter to come and sit with you isn’t the best use of your own freedom in retirement.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night.

We sat down and talked about our boundaries and the “do not cross” lines that we have for ourselves. My biggest priority is his safety. His biggest priority is that he wants the freedom to make very risky decisions, such as (in his words): “Driving a car into a metal pole while I’m riding on the hood.”

I talked to my friend, and he says that this is healthy exploration of his mortality. I can’t wrap my head around this, and I also can’t seem to make my boyfriend understand that thrill-seeking is OK so long as it’s in a safe environment and doesn’t pose a large risk to his health or way of life. Am I the crazy one here? Concerned about Safety

Dear Concerned: When safety meets stupidity, stupidity always wins. What you both seem to view as “risk taking” strikes me as having no regard for life or limb. I hope/assume he is messing with you and not actually suicidal.

Unlike you, your boyfriend, at least, doesn’t seek to control his partner — he simply wants the freedom to be a doofus. I suggest you leave him to it.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson.com.