Unlocking a family secret

Dear Amy: A man just messaged me on Facebook, telling me he’s been trying to contact my mother. He says he is her half brother and that he is trying to get information about his father (my grandfather), who died over 10 years ago. He asked me to pass along the message.

I think he’s telling the truth. His photo shows a strong family resemblance.

Also, my grandmother recently confessed to me that she believed my grandfather was unfaithful to her. I don’t believe my mother and her brother (my uncle) are aware of their father’s infidelity.

I think that what he’s asking of me is inappropriate. He’s left me to deal with a moral quandary that will shake the foundations of my entire family.

I don’t know who else to talk to about this. A Daughter’s Dilemma

Dear Daughter: You seem to feel that this situation has put you in the position of being a secret-holder for your family. But what gives you the right to hold onto this information, on behalf of previous generations?

And do you actually imagine that in this era of DNA testing, data sharing and social media penetration this man won’t eventually locate and contact your mother (or your uncle, or your grandmother) without your help?

My informal study of this issue is that family members being contacted by unknown siblings often fear that this contact will lead to trouble of some kind, but in actuality it seems to lead either to a neutral result or — in many cases — a good one.

Your grandmother has already told you about this suspected infidelity.

Share this message with your mother. Tell her, “Mom, this is hard for me to discuss with you, but” and pass along the man’s message.

Do not feel rushed to respond to the man. You will say either: “I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to be a go-between,” or, ”I passed along your message, and my mother will contact you when she is ready.”

Dear Amy: My wife is an outdoor enthusiast who loves to hike. I enjoy it as well but have health issues that limit me to shorter hikes.

Recently, she has reconnected with an old college friend. I’ve met him and his wife a few times. They’ve stayed with us, and we’ve stayed with them. The few times we’ve gotten together, the other three always want to go for an extended hike that is too difficult for me to participate in, so I’m left to sit at home by myself.

I feel this is incredibly rude. My wife says that just because I can’t join in is no reason for the rest of them to not do what they want to do.

When you are with a group, you should find activities that all can do without excluding someone.

I don’t really know her friends well, and what would be a good opportunity to get to know them better is wasted while I sit at home alone. Feeling Left Out

Dear Feeling: Of course, you should all compromise on some activities when you’re together — but I do believe that the avid hikers should also be free to engage in their pursuit.

You can be generous toward them, or you can sit home and sulk. You choose.

You could go part way with the group, and then return to wherever you are staying to prepare a good meal for the rest of the hikers when they get back.