Out of love for her toddler
Dear Amy: I need help. I don’t love my firstborn son. I feel nothing with him. When I hold my second son, my newborn, my heart swells with love. It used to be like that with my first too, but it’s not like that anymore, and I’m not sure why.
My older son is 21⁄2 and a real handful. I feel like all I do is get after him! I hardly have time to sit for a second anymore.
I try to bond with him, I try to play with him, but every time I try he’s good for a minute and then starts biting me or slapping me or licking me, and I just feel angry again.
I feel so guilty. I want to love him like I love my other son, but for now I just pretend to love them the same. I don’t want to hurt his little feelings. What should I do? Sad Mom
Dear Sad: Your life right now is the very definition of overwhelming. However, you might also be depressed. Postpartum depression affects an estimated 10% to 15% of new moms. The symptoms include having trouble sleeping or concentrating; anger and having trouble bonding. (You have bonded with your baby but are detached from your toddler.)
You should see your doctor as soon as possible. Describe in detail how you are feeling.
Also understand that your son’s behavior is linked with yours. He is also overwhelmed. He is trapped in his toddler body, but he’s regressing; he wants to be a baby again. Offer him a special blankie or stuffed toy to hug for those times when he’s feeling needy.
I shared your question with Gay Cioffi, a parentcoach (littlefolksbigques tions.com) and former director of the Little Folks School in Washington, D.C. In four decades of teaching young children, she has found ways to love hundreds of toddlers.
She says, “Toddlers will inevitably begin to challenge parents as they try to figure out where their needs begin and end. That’s their job, and they frequently do it in ways that are maddening. Add an infant, and a parent who is feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, and the situation is magnified further.
“All children, especially young ones, will mirror the emotion of their caregiver, and thus the cycle continues. Even when we do not feel calm and loving, it is our responsibility to try to send that message — or get the support we need to get there.
“In addition to professional support, enlisting the help of a family member or even a mother’s helper for just an hour a day might help.”
Dear Amy: I just received a text picture of an invitation to a baby shower. I found it tacky. It made me feel unimportant.
Why would somebody text or email when they can use Evite? Is this something new? On the B List
Dear On The B List: Yes, this is something new. I notice several outlets helping people to create invitations suitable for texting. Consider this an Evite.
Technology is constantly enabling people to reach one another in new ways. Sometimes this creates confusion or hurt feelings.
Perhaps your host has your phone number but not your email address and is sending all of the invitations this way. As always, you should respond politely, considering only the way you feel about the event itself.