Abused siblings seek help

Dear Amy: My siblings recently disclosed that our mother subjected them to sexual, mental and physical abuse.

As a child, I was subjected to physical and mental abuse at her hand, but I had always assumed that I was the sole focus of my mother’s ire.

I moved out of the house the day after high school graduation. I no longer have any contact with her.

One sibling has informed me that after I left home — and without me there as a focal point — my mother turned her abuse toward my siblings.

The worst of the abuse involved two of my sisters, who were sexually assaulted by friends of my mother’s. My mother knew about and condoned this.

Hearing that my mother’s behavior escalated after I left home causes me great guilt for not having been there for them when they were children.

One sister has come to me for help with recovering from the trauma of her childhood. I’ve thought about talking with the police. However, the assaults were over 30 years ago.

Our mother is 78, and she is active in her church, where she likely has contact with

children.

Confronting her will likely achieve nothing. What should I do? Guilty

Dear Guilty: First, you should create a safe and open space where your siblings can tell their stories, if they want to.

Tell them you believe them, and emotionally hold them close. Your own experience might make this sort of intimacy challenging, but now is the time to “come home,” figuratively, to be the best and most loving version of yourself that you can possibly be.

If a sister wants to go to the police, go with her, regardless of the statute of limitations.

And, yes — confront your mother. If being in her presence would traumatize you, then write her a letter, as individuals or as a group. If you truly believe that she is a potential danger to any children, then you are dutybound to report this to her church clergy, as well as to the police. But if your main impulse is to ruin her reputation in her church community, then I don’t believe you should do so.

RAINN.org offers a 24hour telephone hotline ([800] 656-4673), with an online

chat option. Contact a RAINN counselor for advice and local services.

Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married. We are not allowing “plus ones” because of the expense.

Invites were sent with RSVP cards stating the number of seats reserved for each family.

To my sister and her family, I noted that we had four seats reserved for their family of four.

My sister changed the number from four to five and added the name of my niece’s college roommate, whom I don’t even know.

How do I clear this up with her? Unsure Sister Dear Unsure: Immediately call your sister.

You say, “Hi, I just received your RSVP card, and I see that you have added a person. Unfortunately, we can’t add any guests.”

Respond firmly, consistently and politely.

Her problem (wanting her nearly grown daughter to have a playdate at a family wedding) is not your problem.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson to askamy@ amydickinson.com.