Reporting bothers woman

Dear Amy: Responding to questions regarding whether women should confront long-ago unwanted sexual experiences, when I was a teenager (I’m female), I experienced my share of illicit kisses, inappropriate gestures from men and sexual innuendos. Today’s climate of reportage makes women think they should consider bringing these old activities once again to light. To what purpose?

My own thoughts are that words, caresses and even kisses, (if not of a violent nature) are not that big a deal.

Human beings are animals (biologically), and sex is a powerful drive. Teenagers ooze hormones. Our animal natures drive us to kissing, touching and talking about “forbidden” stuff.

Only if something seriously coercive occurred that involved restraint, physical injury or threat of terror — would I waste time trying to rectify it now. Older and Wiser

Dear Older: If your youthful sexual experiences, whether illicit or inappropriate, didn’t bother you then and don’t bother you now, then lucky you! However, you may be conflating “hormonal” teen activity, which would be consensual, with other “illicit” activity (“forbidden” or illegal).

You shouldn’t feel pressured to confront or report something that happened many years ago, unless, of course, you suspect the person who was sexual with you would have gone on to actually victimize someone else — someone who lacked your resiliency, or who didn’t consent. Then you would be morally obligated to confront and report it.

Women are coming forward now because they/we are — basically — mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. I believe that many women today are inspired by their own experiences as parents to try to ensure that their children experience their own sexuality free of force or coercion.

For any person, finding and using your voice is the gateway not only to personal power and self-esteem, but also to compassion toward others. And so even if you choose not to report, you shouldn’t judge those who do.

Dear Amy: I went to a party that a co-worker was throwing.

I got really drunk and made out with her ex (not knowing that he was her ex).

Before making out with him, I asked a girlfriend, who was there, if this guy was good people and she said yes.

Unfortunately, the next day, I found out that he was my co-worker’s ex.

I sent my co-worker a message right away, apologizing. She replied that it was a wild night and not to worry.

I thought we were good, but I just heard that she is still mad at me. Everyone at work knows about it. What should I do? Worried

Dear Worried: As the holiday party season approaches, let your question ring a cautionary note: The impact of behavior at office parties will outlast even the meanest hangover.

At this point, although you gain nothing by drawing further attention to your behavior, you could ask your co-worker (in person, not through text or email), “I know I already apologized about my behavior with your ex, but are you sure you’re OK?”

After that — let it lie.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@ amy dickinson .com.