With ‘friends’ like these ...
Dear Amy: Over 10 years ago, when I was a young newlywed, I saw a picture of all my close high school friends at a bridal shower for my best friend. I was not invited.
It hurt, and I cut most of these women out of my life because of it. I’m not proud of it.
I’ve moved several times, and have made wonderful lifelong friends since then. Now, as a funny twist of fate, I’m back and living in my small hometown.
Running into these old friends has brought up this exclusion and the way I’ve, in turn, ghosted them.
Honestly, in retrospect, I realize that they were really not true friends. Some of them were outright emotionally abusive. Being excluded from the bridal shower was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. My gut was telling me it was time to be done with them.
After running into some of these women lately, I’ve received messages from them saying that they miss me. They wonder what happened and why I’ve kept my distance. Now I am unsure of how to answer.
I have no desire to be friends with these women again. I have filled my life with good, authentic people now. I don’t want to keep on ignoring them, but I also don’t feel like dredging up the past. How do I respond? — Not Missing Them
Dear Not Missing: If you are brave enough to simply own your truth, then one statement would probably take care of this: “Honestly, I was hurt years ago when I was excluded and not invited to Tammy’s shower, and as the years have gone by, I’ve pretty much lost interest.”
If you don’t want to tell them your real reason for keeping your distance, then just be cordial when you see or hear from these people. Cordiality does not imply friendship, nor does it tie you into further contact. If they contact you to say they miss you, you can respond, “Thanks. It’s great to be back home.” If they make a bid for further contact or friendship, you can say, “Thank you, but I don’t think so. I’ve moved on, and it’s all good.”
Dear Amy: My partner had an affair with the head of HR at our company (we all work at the same place).
After a painful six-month separation and two years of working on our relationship, things are good with us.
I sometimes run into the homewrecker at work, and I can’t seem to let go of my disgust for her. I’ve wondered if talking to her might help me let go of the hurt feelings and, frankly, hatred I feel for her. — Pained Co-worker
Dear Pained: I’m assuming that the head of HR at your company violated the most basic company policies when she chose to have an affair with your partner. I’m also assuming that, realistically, you can’t do much about it in terms of reporting, without possibly ruining your partner’s career.
Communicating with her about this affair might have a negative impact on both of your careers.
And I’m wondering, realistically, what you might gain from telling this person how you feel about her. In fact, I admire your restraint up to now.
Look at the hard work you have put in to finally forgive your partner.
Dig deep and understand that your rage is still holding you hostage. You should work on releasing your anger overall, but continue to dislike her from a distance.