Emotions after a suicide

Dear Amy:

My father-inlaw died by suicide. Because of his local prominence, the suicide made local news. If you Google his name, stories mention his suicide, some in graphic detail.

My in-laws’ religion is very clear on suicide, and the family feels a great deal of shame over his death. My mother-in-law insisted that none of the grandchildren (who were all very young) should be told how their grandfather died.

My husband agrees with me that our daughter eventually has the right to know how her grandfather died. I don’t want to disrespect his family, but I believe that our daughter has the right to know her complete health history.

I do not believe that there is any reason to be ashamed. I have gone along with my mother-in-law’s wishes because I don’t want my daughter to have the burden of keeping a secret from her cousins, whose parents believe in sheltering their children from bad news.

My daughter is now learning how to use the internet and has started Googling her relatives’ names. It’s only a matter of time before she finds out about how he died. I feel my husband and I should guide the discussion.

I don’t want her to navigate her emotions on her own. I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to anger my husband and alienate my inlaws. — Anxious

Dear Anxious:

Denial and secrecy surrounding a suicide are not good, obviously. But people, especially loved ones who might still be struggling, have a right to privacy.

You seem overly invested in controlling a specific outcome. Yes, your daughter will eventually learn about her grandfather’s death. But your stated concern about your young daughter’s “health history” seems disingenuous.

For family survivors of suicide, there is a distinct sort of pain and grief that is mixed with confusion, anger and, yes, sometimes shame. But this is your husband’s father you’re talking about. Let him handle this, and be supportive of him, even if he struggles.

When your daughter learns of this, make sure that you and her father also tell her about the fullness of her grandfather’s life, so that his death alone doesn’t define him. Your compassion toward him will guide your daughter.

Dear Amy:

I have a female relative who frequents a psychic.

She then uses her visits to fuel conversations at family gatherings, frequently embarrassing other family members.

For example, she once reported back that her psychic had told her that my husband and I were having marital problems! I replied that every marriage has its ups and downs.

However, despite my negative reaction, she continues this pattern of behavior.

I thought the purpose of seeing a psychic was to shed light on your own life, not to be nosy about friends and relatives.

Your thoughts? — Not Happy

Dear Not Happy:

You’re right. It is uncool and unkind of your relative to cast aspersions on your (or anyone else’s) private life, especially in front of other people. When she does this in the future, you should simply respond that you don’t think it’s right for her to speculate about others’ private lives.