Her ex keeps her on hook

Dear Amy: I have known my ex-husband, “Bart,” for 30 years. We were married for 18 years and divorced six years ago.

He has lost all his money and has drained all of his friendships over money. He is now coming to me for money.

Recently he was in a small car accident. The other driver called the police because my ex was driving without insurance.

I was at work and he called me screaming and crying, saying he was going further down the hole. He told me I was the only one he could come to.

The next day I paid for car insurance, took him to the police station and I paid to get his car out of impound.

I can’t afford either the emotional or the financial burden this is causing me. I am tormented by the manipulation.

I divorced him to get away from this craziness and now he has shown up on my doorstep. I want to close and bolt the door.

Do you have any words of wisdom? Upset Ex

Dear Upset: You are kind and compassionate — that much is obvious. But other than delaying your ex’s spiral for a few weeks or months, what are you really doing for him? You describe this as “torment.” When you give in to his demands, you are really soothing your own anxiety and trying to tamp down the torment. But you can’t.

“Bart” has trained you to comply when he emotionally manipulates you. Every time he succeeds, he feels better and you feel worse. Bart needs to be told that he has run out of options.

A social worker might be able to help him find affordable housing and some financial services and advice. He could start with the local Office for the Aging. Pass along the phone number — do not do the work for him.

If you are at risk of emotional and financial exhaustion, then — yes — close and bolt the door, and block him from contacting you.

Dear Amy: I’m a widow

and retired.

I’m in great health and do not look my age.

My issue is dating. I’ve had some nice men around my age take me out, but I declined the second date, knowing they are not who I want to be with or who I would introduce to my grown children.

My last date, who was a little rough around the edges, talked a great talk, stated all the things we had in common (which were a lot), and why we were a good fit for lifetime companions.

I felt he came on too strong, so I followed my gut instinct and declined his second date.

Now I’m thinking that I was too hasty in my decision.

Should I contact him to pursue this relationship, or should I move on? Standards Too High?

Dear Standards: Too often, women ignore or override their own instincts and then later wonder why they didn’t pay attention to their own good sense.

You shouldn’t conflate this rational choice you’ve made with having impossible standards. Trust your instincts!

True — oversharing and/ or coming on too strong are also common “rookie” behaviors for people reentering the dating scene. You should keep all of this in mind, and if you decide to pursue this for a second date (not lifetime companionship), tread cautiously.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson.com.