How to deal with nephew

Dear Amy: My 16-year-old nephew has been struggling. He’s failing in school and has been arrested twice in the last couple of months. The first time he was with a bunch of his buddies, and he was found with marijuana on him. Four weeks later, and he was arrested again, this time for dealing.

Evidently, he’s known not only by the local police but also the state police, who’ve been investigating him.

I love my nephew dearly. I have tried to be a good influence on him. I text him frequently, and take him out to dinner.

But now he’s broken his phone, so I can’t text him.

How do I spend alonetime with him now? Should I take him out for dinner, but tell him I have to look in his backpack and frisk him before we leave his house?

I feel terrible. I want to continue to give him the emotional support I think he needs, but I’m worried about transporting him (and his drugs!) in my car. I don’t want to risk getting arrested for it.

What are your thoughts on how to handle this difficult situation? Worried Dear Worried: Your question invokes the concept of “constructive possession.” This idea is that, even if you don’t have drugs on you, if you have knowledge of illegal drugs in your car, or some sort of ”control” over these substances, then you could be charged with possession.

You driving your 16-yearold nephew to dinner and being stopped and charged with possession seems like a stretch (to me), but police officers are basically tasked to make judgment calls, and they sometimes make mistakes.

I think you should not worry too much about this. Don’t search or “frisk” him. Do tell him, frankly, “You realize that if I get pulled over for any reason, we could both get into a lot of trouble if you have anything on you, right? If you have anything illegal with you, I need you to go back into the house and leave it behind.” And leave it at that.

Don’t let him manipulate you, don’t give him money and don’t make unauthorized or unexpected stops. But, yes, do spend time with him. It would be good for him to be around an adult who is going to hang in there with him and love him through a very tough time.

Dear Amy: How do I get my dorm roommate to stop playing loud videos and “white noise” sounds really late at night?

Our living situation is going fine, except for the fact that she tends to wake me up by coming in really late at night (1 or 2 a.m.), and then playing YouTube videos or “white noise” really loudly.

I’ve tried to use earplugs, but it’s still really loud. I’ve asked her on a couple of occasions to use headphones or turn it down, but I haven’t addressed the whole problem outright because I’m worried she’s going to get mad at me.

I don’t want to cause a confrontation about it, but I’m not getting good sleep and it’s affecting my classes. Upset Roomie

Dear Upset: Your behavior suggests that you both value her comfort over your own.

It’s time for you to grow a backbone. The next time this happens, in the moment say, “PLEASE. Please use earbuds. I’d really appreciate it.”

Your Resident Adviser can help with this.

Send questions for Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson .com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.