Waiting for a ‘thank you’
My youngadult daughter and her partner have lived together for four years. They live 300 miles away.
I am fond of my daughter’s partner and send her a birthday gift each year.
I have never received a thank you. I’m f lexible on the format — a text would be fine with me; however, nothing.
This year I asked my daughter if her girlfriend had received the gift, but that didn’t feel right, either. In the future, should I text her girlfriend and ask her directly? Should I give up on this expectation and assume the gifts are received?
The tracking number lets me know it arrived on their front porch. Of course, I’d like to hear that I selected a gift that was appreciated, but I really want to know if she got it.
Amy, are thank-you’s and/or acknowledgments passé? Did You Get It?
Dear Did You: A “thank you” never goes out of style. And I would say that over four years’ time, a texted acknowledgment from an adult that a gift was received should be considered the minimum investment toward receiving a gift the following year.
Her behavior is embarrassing to you, because now you have to face the prospect of proactively chasing down this gift.
Let’s set aside the whole idea of even saying “thank you.” Packages get nabbed off of front porches. Even with accurate tracking, senders only know if someone actually received a package — if the recipient tells them.
And here’s a holiday bonus for all of you clueless or awkward recipients out there:
Let’s say you receive a gift (even if you don’t like it). Oh, no! What should you do? At the least, you should send a text — or call — saying, “Hi, I got the gift you sent! You are so thoughtful to think of me. I really appreciate it. Thank you!”
Given this woman’s behavior, I think it’s time for you to transition toward birthday cards. Then all of you can stop worrying about it.
Dear Amy: How would I know if my nephews who reside outside of the USA really love me for who I am or rather care more about my money and possibly thinking that they’ll inherit some of it since I am a gay man and have no children of my own?
My contact with them is via WhatsApp on birthdays and the occasional exchange of photos. American Uncle
Dear Uncle: If I had a litmus test to determine if love were sincere, I imagine a series of urine test strips, marketed with the motto: “If the strip turns blue, your love is true!”
Many generational relationships are basically exchanges: I give you this (affection, attention, material goods) and I receive that (gratitude, affection, recognition). When the exchange feels balanced, the relationship proceeds with mutual satisfaction.
But here is the maddening mystery about love. Love is something that you have to give away, with brave and honest intentions — and with no guarantee that it will be returned. My suggestion for you is that you love abundantly and take satisfaction in your ability to be so emotionally generous. Even if you don’t leave these young people with any money, consider your attention and affection a lasting legacy.