Changing holiday focus

Since last year, I’ve been asking my wife to take a different approach to the holidays and to just focus on our small immediate family.

Every single year, without fail, there’s some major disappointment, family conflict or travel debacle, typically with her extended family. She walks away exhausted, angry, frustrated or hurt.

My wife finally said she was not going to host this year. I was thrilled and told her we would find ways to make it special for us and our son.

I just found out through a family member that my wife had actually blamed me for forgoing the holiday party this year, and she had told her family that she really wanted to have it, but I was against it.

Amy, how can I get my wife to understand quality over quantity in familial relationships? I don’t want to see my wife in this constant cycle of anxiety and stress.

What do you recommend? Anxious Husband

Dear Husband: Your wife’s family members took advantage of her passivity for years, and now she is basically throwing you under the family bus in order to escape their reaction to this change. (Understand that your insistence that she change things is also probably stressful for her.)

But, hey, she is half-right. You are the one forcing this issue, and you should be willing to take one for the family team. You are inoculated against this bullying because you likely don’t care all that much what these people think of you.

I hope you will take the lead and plan some holiday centered plans that your immediate family can enjoy together, in the hope that these will become traditions. Attend your local theater’s production of “A Christmas Carol.” Make and decorate cookies to deliver to neighbors. Go ice skating together.

You should be prepared for the possibility that even with a lovely, low-key holiday, your wife will feel pressured, guilty and as if she is missing something important. She will have to find the best balance for her.

Dear Amy: My husband and I and our three children moved into a duplex home a few months ago. The neighbors are great except they smoke marijuana. The smell is awful. It bothers me a lot.

Our whole house smells whenever they’re smoking, especially my little son’s room. We don’t want to move anytime soon. What should we do? Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned: You don’t say whether you rent or are an owner, but it is increasingly common for smoking to be banned in homes sharing a common wall, for the reason you cite. Marijuana smoke is especially pungent, and even if this next-door exposure doesn’t prove toxic to you or your children, the smell alone is really noxious.

You should speak with your neighbors. There is a likelihood that they don’t realize the impact their smoking has on your family.

Say, “Hey, I want you to know that we are getting slammed by pot smoke over here. It’s especially strong in ‘Benny’s’ room. It’s like it comes right through the walls. Can you guys smoke outside?”

Depending on their response, you will want to refer to your lease, condo or HOA rules to see what rules are in place, and enforceable.