Adopted child is ignored

Dear Readers: Enjoy these edited “best of” columns: Today’s topic: Petty is as petty does.

Dear Amy: I had a child before I met my husband. When we got married, my husband adopted my daughter, a year old at the time. We then had three more children together. Now they’re all grown and have children of their own.

My mother-in-law wants to have a “generation picture” done. She plans to include only the children my husband and I have biologically together. My husband considers my daughter to be “our” daughter.

Is it rude of his mother to ask for pictures with our other children and to exclude her?

If my mother-in-law won’t include our daughter in the shot, I feel no pictures should be taken. Confused and Hurt

Dear Confused: Your mother-in-law’s distinction between biological and adopted children is offensive. Adoptive parents are “real” parents in every way.

It is somewhat surprising that all of your children are now adults and yet your mother-in-law persists in differentiating among them. You and your husband should have set her straight on this many years ago. If you didn’t, or if she has forgotten what makes a family, now is the perfect time to educate her on the subject. I completely agree with your conditions regarding this family photo. (April 2009)

Dear Amy: I work at a community college. The college recently installed two lactation rooms; the handbook states that students should not bring children to the classroom.

We have a staff member who had a baby nine months ago. She leaves her desk to pump three times a day for 20 minutes each (that’s one hour a day). I had no problem with this — until she told people that her son stopped breast-feeding two months ago, but she wasn’t ready to give up her “mommy-time.”

She continues to pump because it’s good birth control and to continue to lose the baby weight.

None of us would be allowed to leave our desk an hour a day to exercise, so why should she be allowed to pump to lose weight? Fairness for All

Dear Fairness: I applaud your college’s commitment to supporting the needs of mothers who want to work and/or further their educations while continuing to feed their babies naturally. But let’s clear up a few things: Your co-worker’s baby might have stopped breast-feeding, but her child could still be consuming breast milk through a bottle, necessitating her pumping during the day.

Lactation does not provide consistent birth control. If your co-worker believes this commonly held misconception (excuse the pun), it could lead to an unexpected pregnancy — not to mention your further resentment regarding her lactation breaks. Also, breastfeeding does not necessarily hasten weight loss after a baby’s birth.

If your co-worker’s pumping schedule is interfering with her work to the extent that it impinges on your (or her) ability to do the work — or disrupts the functioning of the office, then you should bring this up with your supervisor. Otherwise, stick to your own knitting. (May 2009)

Send questions for Amy Dickinson by email to askamy@amydickinson.com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.